I know you’re smiling at me saying that. Maybe you’re even laughing. I don’t blame you – I am hilarious.
There’s that confidence again. I think you think I strive off it but actually it’s the bane of my life.
It’s the reason why I could never say this to you in person. I want you to see the vulnerable, naïve side to me but that literally petrifies me.
I know you need to see it but I can’t bring myself to let you in and frankly why should I? You’ve hardly been forthcoming with your softer side and I don’t see why I should expose myself as a complete wimp to you when all will do is sarcastically retort.
I get the feeling that if I’m nice to you, you’ll think I like you. And I do like you. I like you a lot.
But I can’t tell you that because you’d never like me.
I’m an overweight, grumpy, just post teenager who is obsessed with Clare Balding and has a car that smells like rotting Dominos pizza.
I mean is that really appealing?
I’m not rich or good looking or thin or particularly intelligent. I am average, mediocre, bog standard and, yes, I know that’s what you want but I’m not what you want.
No, don’t feel sorry for me. Not that you would. You’re constantly reminding me that you have very little sympathy for things and that an awful lot of my problems are self-inflicted.
Seriously though, if I cried what would you do? Rush over and hug me? Tell me to grow up? Or, and this is the worst one, meekly pat me on the shoulder and pretend to care?
I’m not saying I’m going to cry on you because I’m not.
I don’t want you to see me as a whiney pain in your arse because I know how much you hate people like that. And I want to be someone you like.
I know I shouldn’t change myself to be someone you’d like so I can only exaggerate the bits of me you already like and skim over the bits you don’t; hence the confidence and constant comedy.
Is this still making you laugh? No, I thought not. I’m sorry about that. I’ll try harder in future. But until I reach a point where I become your favourite comedian, can I at least be a steady second?