Lynn.

I don’t know whether to make this post to Lynn or about Lynn because this is a post I never wanted to write.

Lynn was my therapist and she passed away recently after having particularly aggressive cancer.

My world without Lynn is weird. There’s no other way to describe it. My world is missing something and I’m scared that it will never feel as full.

At Lynn’s funeral there was a reading of some sort that said that whatever Lynn was to us she still is. I get that, it’s not as though I’m ever going to forget her but it isn’t the same. I can’t text her when I need some instant reassurance and I can’t cry in her car watching Ted talks with her.

Lynn was the first person I came out as trans to and she was a constant supporter of mine. She challenged me, swore with me and gave me the confidence to start my transition.

It all sounds like trivial things written down but she saved my life and hers was cruelly taken from her.

She was relentlessly positive and remained so even when she must have been in agony. I know she must have been scared and in pain but she didn’t show it; she had a level of strength that was immeasurable.

In one of my early sessions she asked who I idolised. I’ll be adding her to my list.

It’s kind of ironic how she taught me so many coping strategies for life and yet she didn’t teach me how to cope without her.

I’m angry. I’m angry at the world. I’m angry at the people who don’t appreciate their lives and I’m angry at those who moan. I guess I’m angry with myself. 

She requested that “Bat out of hell” be played at her funeral and when I heard it a week ago on the radio I sat in my car and sobbed.

I cry little and often and normally alone. I’ve cried in restaurants and pubs and even at work on the bus.

If I try really hard I can still remember what her voice sounded like.

I’m upset for selfish reasons mostly. I feel sad that she’ll never see me transition fully and she won’t meet my children and she won’t see me grow into the man that she helped me be.

I just have to hope that she knows how much I valued her and that she knows that I’m alive today because of her. Because I am, I owe her my life and I’ll live it in a way that she’d be proud of.

Advertisements

Reference points.

“I understand that, but that’s only a point of reference.” – a sentence that my therapist must say at least twice every time I meet her. 

Reference points might as well be called assumptions.

I assume a lot about people; mostly how they’ll react in a situation. Sometimes, I’m right. Very often, I’m wrong.

It is very easy to assume how a person will react to something based on past similar experiences.

The problem with assumptions is that they might hold you back or persuade you to do or say something. 

It also means that when you have a positive reference point and you experience something negative from that person it hurts rather a lot.

Cis hate.

Years ago, I was part of a big LGBTQ group. We’d all met online on a forum and we would occasionally meet up and hang out. Gradually though it all faded out and we just had each other on Facebook.

I used to be friends with a lad called Matt (not his real name) and supported him through his transition (FTM) and I was pleased to see that he was out and happy and getting on with his life.

Then one day he went on a cis rant on Facebook and made comments such as “I want to burn all cis people with lighters”. (I’m paraphrasing but it’s close enough.)

Why the fuck would you want to burn all cis people with lighters?

I don’t care how much of a bad day he’d had, burning cis people is not the answer.

At the time, I identified as cis and so it felt very personal but I was also aware that I was thinking “I wouldn’t want to burn cis people with lighters.”

I told a friend of mine about it and she tried to defend him saying that neither of us knew what it was like to be trans and to face hate from cis people.

Well now I do and I still think what he said was disgusting.

Why would anyone want to cause more hurt and hatred and fear? I rely on my cis friends, family and colleagues every single day. I was created by two cis people. Cis people taught me how to do maths and a cis person taught me how to drive a bus. 

I find it so hard to comprehend that a trans person would alienate someone because of their gender identity and seek to punish them.

Man, I feel like a… well like a man actually.

If you haven’t read the first post I did about this then you can read that here: https://waggcomedy.wordpress.com/2012/10/26/man-i-feel-like-a-woman-every-day-of-my-life/

Alternatively, you can just not read that and I can save you some time by telling you that I’m trans and, at the time I wrote that post, I was in so much denial.

Last summer I dislocated my knee and spent a lot of time alone in the house. My friends came to visit me and offered me loads of support via messages but something wasn’t right. I realised that I had depression and that I had had it for a long time. (You can read more about that here: https://waggcomedy.wordpress.com/?s=Depression+nearly+&submit=Search

I have always thought about being trans. I mean I repressed it a lot but it had always played on my mind; in the middle of the night when I was wide awake. My therapist helped me to talk about what I described as “the biggest can of worms ever”. 

It is the biggest can of worms ever. It has shocked me and it is the most difficult thing to come to terms with.

People often talk about friends and family having to go through a grieving process but I’m grieving too. I plan to do a post on that at some point, but I’ll just say now that this isn’t an easy thing for me to get my head around.

I question it. Of course I do. But I’m a man. I’m a man who likes Tegan and Sara and that’s ok. I mean I was an honorary lesbian for 24 years. I am a straight man who likes a “lesbian” band. That feels weird. I guess I’m going to have to explain why to people but I doubt explaining my music tastes will be the hardest thing to do. 

I hope you all likes blogs about being trans because this blog is about to be full of transness! 

Oh hi WordPress!

I bet you’ve forgotten that I existed and I couldn’t blame you!

I was horrifically sick for a week and went away for a week (more on that soon) but apart from that there are no excuses!

I have lots of posts already written just waiting to be published so expect a bit more content from me soon!

Here’s the thing.

Here’s the thing.

I want to hold you.

Maybe not even in a sexual way.

I want to hold you so much right now.

I want to take away that fear that I hear in your voice. I want to stomp back in time like Godzilla and right the fucking awful wrongdoings in your life.

I want to hit her so fucking hard that her teeth fall out. I want her to feel the fear and pain and shame that you’ve felt most of your life.

I want to make you smile. That water spilling out of the corner of your mouth kinda smile. I want to take a picture of it and frame it and look at it every time I doubt myself.

I want to be the person you message at 5:18am bleary-eyed. I want to be the person you message at 11:32pm drunk. I want to be the person you message when you’re happy and when you’re sad and when you’re inbetween.

I want to be the one who changes your mind and softens you. Don’t put up such a wall. I don’t want you to be Trump, I want you to be anything but.

I want to be the person you’re proud of. I will find ways to make you proud.

I want you to want to hold me. To love me. That’s the thing.

Different.

“You’re different now.”, she said to me last night in a dream. She’s right. I’m on the brink of a breakdown and a self fulfilling prophecy. 

She epitomises everything I look for in a woman and yet I know those things aren’t compatible with me.

I’m all banter and good news face to face and I’m bitterness and sexual objectification online. 

My therapist told me that I don’t like certain things about other people because I don’t like those things about myself.

In which case, she’s a fucking flirt and I have no idea where I stand. Ergo, I’m a fucking flirt and she’s in the fucking dark about my feelings.

Being blunt hasn’t helped so I doubt being sensitive will. Instead I’ll just send her a mixed signal message and get angry when she doesn’t bite.