“You’d love it!” Actually, I hate it.

I didn’t get into OITNB until it had been out for about a year. Everyone told me I would love it. Just because it had lesbians in it? I wasn’t about to bow to that kind of stereotypical, narrow minded way of thinking. I like shows with straight people in so THERE.

But I loved it. They were right.

And then I was told about another Netflix original, Kimmy Schmidt. Apparently I’d love it. I did.

But I think this is where that loving trend ends.

I’ve tried (and failed) numerous times to get past the third page of Little Women and I can’t. I just can’t. It bores me to death. And I know by saying that I’ve enraged people who love “classic” books but I just can’t do it.

I want graphic sex descriptions, swearing and disturbing imagery from a book. I want (and will always want) nearly anything written by Irvine Welsh. Or Sarah Kane; her plays hit the spot too.

I don’t think I’m hard to please when it comes to books and TV yet I seem to disappoint a lot of my friends when I just “don’t get” the things that they love so much.

I’ve been told to watch “Making a murderer” and, to begin with, it was interesting. But now I’m an hour in and I’m struggling. In my opinion, it’s slow moving and depressing (I don’t want to hear about a cat being set on fire, ya know?!).

So what makes some things instantly appealing and others a complete drag? Is it because of my innate stubbornness that I have that tells me that I am right and nearly everyone else is wrong? Is it that I am actually really hard to please but I just don’t know it?

One friend recently described me as “judgey”. Oh. Maybe I do need to give things a chance.

With that in mind, I’m going to plough my way through “Him and Her”, “Making a Murderer” and some stand up shows from Lee Evans. Yup. I said it, I’m not a Lee Evans lover. And I’m sorry, ok?

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Evening all.

Or should that be early morning?
I’m up unusually late because I have an unusual pain in my stomach.
Like any other wise person, I turned to Google for the answer and now I’m being a typical hypochondriac and convincing myself I have every illness or infection going.
I expect I’ve pulled a muscle.
Not that I’ve done anything particularly strenuous. But then maybe it’s a subtle hint from my body to start moving more and sitting less before I find the small things taxing.
But I’m not listening, I’m just lying here in bed waiting for the ibuprofen to cut in and ease the pain that I should really be listening to.
If something seems scary, silence it.
Wise words from someone with a ridiculously low pain threshold.

Girl crushes and how they confuse me.

Not me personally, obviously. If I felt confused every time I had a thing for a girl I’ve have had a breakdown by now.
No, I’m talking about “straight” women who have girl crushes. Am I mocking straight women by using the quotation marks? No, straight women exist I’m aware of that. But what I want to challenge is if straight women can have girl crushes and still be straight.
Controversial? I hope so.
I recently read a post in which someone tried to describe why they had a girl crush on a certain celebrity. But they couldn’t find the words. It wasn’t that they liked one specific thing about this celebrity. They didn’t want to be her friend, they didn’t like her fashion sense and they weren’t jealous of her lifestyle. They just had an unexplainable feeling about her.
Yeah I’ve had that about women too. That churning in the stomach (not caused by an undercooked piece of meat), the shaky hands (not caused by some form of withdrawal) and the heart palpitations (not caused by a caffeine overdose. Speaking of which, I’m not drinking caffeine again – hurray!).
That unexplainable feeling could be attraction. Just sayin’.
And I don’t think people are against those feelings because I understand that a lot of people are open minded and that it’s possible to fall for somebody because of their personality and not their gender. I get that.
But then why the need to identify or label themselves as straight? Why not explore bisexuality or pansexuality?
And let’s say a woman likes a specific celebrity because of their looks. They like her black hair and her petite figure. What’s to say that’s the only woman with black hair and a petite figure that they’ll like? What if they like other women who look like that?
When does a girl crush/multiple girl crushes become a sexuality thing rather than an admiration thing?
And I’m not trying to recruit, I’m just puzzled.
And I get that if someone finds someone else’s hair nice it doesn’t necessarily mean they want to jump into bed with them. I think Rupert Grint is a cutie but I don’t want his kids.
I’m also confused by the whole “the difference between a straight girl and a bi girl is two drinks” theory. First of all, bisexuality is not a drunk sexuality; it is a legitimate sexuality and doesn’t deserved to be undermined. Yet I don’t understand why when some women are drunk they kiss other women? Or why some women say they’d kiss a woman/sleep with a woman if they were drunk. A friend of mine always used to say that drunk feelings were sober thoughts and I can’t help but wonder if this is the case.
I guess I haven’t really got a conclusion to this because feelings aren’t something that can be plotted and measured but I’d like to hear people’s thoughts on this. 🙂

I’m in a long term relationship. With food.

Recently I got told by a rake of a woman that everyone has an emotional connection to food. Hers must be negative because it didn’t look like she’d eaten for about a year.
The irony of it all is that I then got told I needed to lose weight by a woman at the completely opposite end of the scale as the rake. Hmmm.
Here’s the thing.
I’ve never been ridiculously skinny. Put it down to whatever you want: too much food and not enough exercise, a metabolism that’s in a coma: I could go on forever.
At the age of 17 I lost 4 stone out of sheer fear. I feared my future. I ate less but didn’t really move more. It happened in the blink of an eye (less than a year) and it changed my life. But not for the better.
It made me depressed. I thought, up until that point, that if I lost weight I would magically become happier. And in all honesty, I found the opposite was true. I had blamed some of my teenage unhappiness on my ever expanding waistline and figured I’d feel better if I was thinner. Granted, I enjoyed the weight loss compliments for the first couple of months but I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t found enlightenment.
The simple answer is that it wasn’t the food that was making me feel rubbish, it was just life. And that’s a massively upsetting thing to realise so young.
So now here we are almost 5 years later and I’m the fattest I have ever been. Lovely.
It’s not an option to not lose weight, I need to as I have an operation lined up and my blood pressure (which is ridiculously high because of my weight) needs to come down considerably.
And despite what the not rake said (“It’s hard, isn’t it?”), I don’t find it hard to lose weight. I find it hard to think that I might sink back into that low place.
So yes, everyone has an emotional connection to food. The rake is right. It looks like Skinny Wagg is back on. Happy Wagg will have to be put on hold.

Autocorrect knows my secrets.

So I’m halfway through a text to my friend and my fingers go to type something innocent like veg but my phone has other ideas and BAM I’ve sent a text asking what kind of “vag” she likes. The horror. The shame.
Sneaky little autocorrect making me look sleazy.
Don’t get me wrong, I love autocorrect; it’s ridiculously helpful. Whether I’m online shopping and it fills my details in for me or I’m sending a general text and it can predict what I’m saying – it’s useful, even I cant deny that.
But why does it feel the need to make me sound crude all the time?
I recently sent a text to somebody saying that a certain celebrity made me melt but autocorrect wasn’t content with melt and changed it to “wet”. Mortified.
And then there’s the random words it suggests, they baffle me the most. My phone assumed that when I went to text “getting” what I really wanted was “fettling”: a word I didn’t even know the definition of, let alone use frequently.
But by far the biggest sin of the autocorrect on my phone was that it didn’t accept the word “casserole”. It does now, trust me.
The more I use my phone the more it starts to recognise what I’m saying and the more it predicts what I’d like to say and whilst I moan about autocorrect it does take one for the team when I’m drunk and I desperately want to sound sober. Unfortunately, my drunk texting habits means that it’s started recognising my drunk utterances as actual words so it no longer blinks an eyelid when I type “yui” instead of you and “life gnome” when I mean lift home…
I appreciate that it’s ok with the nicknames of my friends and the various abbreviations and made up words I use on a daily basis but I feel there’s room for improvement. At least, my friend’s reaction to the “vag” question suggests me and autocorrect aren’t best friends right now.

You deserve this so here it is.

Ok it’s time I properly explain what’s been happening in my life. I can’t believe it’s been so long since I last blogged.

Where do I start?

My car has cost me a sickening amount of money recently. Insurance, MOT and at least 3 new tyres (all due to pot holes – grrrr!) have taken quite a chunk out of my bank balance which would be fine if I was working but…

I’m not. I’ve recently left my job.

“What? Why? When? Are you mad?!”

Mmmhhmmm. For a multitude of reasons. Last month. Yes, I definitely am.

They say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone and now that it’s gone I definitely miss it. The financial security, the free food and, of course, the people. Even though I still talk to them it isn’t the same. When you spend nearly every day with the same people for almost 3 years it’s bound to be weird without them but weird doesn’t even come close to explaining how I feel.

And, as to what I’m going to do for money now… I’ll let you know when I know.

“Any women on the scene?”

Nope. Next question please.

“How’s the weight loss going? You must be really skinny by now?”

You’d think so, wouldn’t you? But no, I’m still just as cuddly as ever. And let’s face it, we all know what cuddly really means…

I’m hoping for a good summer though: I’ve got lots of things coming up and even more stuff that I want to do. But before I can do any of that I have a room to paint.

Yup, in the midst of all this uncertainty and change I’ve decided that now is the time to re-decorate my room. I must be mad.

Oh well at least these next few months will be busy.