Last night, I had a foreshadowing mindfuck dream.

In it, I confronted one of my biggest fears about one of my favourite people.

It was a mixture of painful truth and awful potential.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I think dreams are our way of safely exploring things that we cannot process while we are awake. And my theory has never been more prevalent than now.

I don’t struggle with difficult conversations but I struggle to figure out the emotion surrounding them. I can get how I feel out there but then I can’t handle what happens next.

My therapist has told me that sometimes when the fantasy becomes a reality a terrible realisation sets in. All of a sudden, you have what you want and, even if it’s exactly how you had imagined it would be, it’s a shock. 

I am in shock and last night I dealt with that in dream form and today I’m dealing with the idea that I might finally have the opportunity to be happy.

Happiness is scary.


Dear DTB 

Dear DTB,

This is tough. This is like well done steak kinda tough. I mean I like my steak well done but I still want to be able to get my teeth into it. I can’t get my teeth into this.

People say that it’s a burden or emotionally abusive to say that a person is instrumental to their happiness. Unfortunately, despite its connotations, you are instrumental to my happiness.

I can only really gather the courage to write this because I don’t think you’ll ever read it. If you were to discover this I hope you wouldn’t realise that it’s for you. If you were to realise that, you’d be angry. “Why couldn’t you just talk to me?!”, would be your response.

I can’t talk to you though. Not now. You’re a teenage boy in a cave right now; agitated and isolated and you love it. 

I’m asking you to be someone that you can’t be, at least not yet. I’m not there yet either, my therapist calls it “fake it until you make it”. I’m faking it so much that I don’t think you know that I’m terrified like you.

You think I’m strong which is why you talk to me the way you do. I’m not strong, I’m barely getting by.

I wonder where we’ll be in ten years. Will we find this funny? Or will we still be bitter? 

I think we’ll find it funny. We’ll be different people by then. I’ll still be stubborn and you’ll still be grumpy but we’ll be a bit softer.

Years of “good living” and hindsight will have made us softer. 

I cannot wait until we’re softer. I cannot wait until life is how we imagine it to be. We’ll be the envy of people on Instagram (if it still exists) and we’ll be smug. We will be allowed to be smug because of all the shit we will have to endured to get to that point.

This is the shit and I’m sorry that right now even my name annoys you. Guess what, yours doesn’t make me best pleased either.

But when I think about my life at 33 you’re there. You are instrumental to my happiness and that irritates me so much. I’m stronger with you, and that bothers me. We’re better people when we’re together. We’re softer. We’re faking it less and making our dreams a reality.

This, right now, is shit. You’re being shit and I’m being shit. At least we’re consistent.

In 10 years time you will no longer be known at DTB; isn’t that a refreshing thought?

So I’ll let you be a teenage boy in a cave as long as you let me be a middle aged woman having a midlife crisis whilst going through the menopause. This is making us softer. The steak is no longer as hard to chew.

It’s Monday.

It really is.

And with Monday comes a whole lot of regret, nausea and hiccups.

The above three all relate to the mass amount of junk food that I ate last night. I’m not particularly happy I did it but then I’m not particularly happy.

Last night I had a dream. Another dream. I feel like I am forever having dreams.

I was back at school, life was good. Well elements of my life were good. My friends were there and bar one we were all getting on fine (the friend that wasn’t happy was worrying about some work and was getting frustrated with my lack of patience).

Then the bombshell hit. In my dream I had to make a very conscious decision. There’s no grey area about it I deliberately made myself dream it and I deliberately, consciously, chose the outcome. And for a time in my dream it made sense.

But when I woke up it didn’t.

There’s a huge gap between dream and reality but is there also a crossover? Obviously my thoughts, feelings and experiences influence my dreams but to what degree? And why do I chose that dream on that night in that week during that month?

Regardless of the choice I made in that dream I wake to find that I didn’t really make that choice at all and that it is still very much up to me to decide, in my life awake, what I want to do.

I’m going to chose change. I’m going to lose the weight, ask that girl for a drink and dress like a complete randomer all because I can. All because I want to.

I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, this time I’m actually going to change.

So the next time in my dream I am forced to make a decision I think it’ll be the right one. It’ll be the one that supports all the changes I plan to make and it’ll be beneficial to me. Maybe it’s even time to be a bit selfish. Put myself first and let others figure things out for themselves. Ignorantly, I’ve done my part and now let’s see what you can do. Come back and tell me how you got on and I’ll return the gesture.

One step at a time.

Right now I’ve got a lot on my mind.

I feel like I’m mentally ticking things off in my mind until, hopefully, everything has been done and I can finally relax. But I worry that once it’s all been done I’ll still not feel settled.

I’ve already done pride and today sees the makeover of my room (a new shelf is being added) and the painting of the kitchen. This is good because it will create more room for my junk and my mum will be happier because our kitchen will no longer be migraine inducing yellow.

Then in the next month there is time off to arrange, tickets to book and parties to attend. You might think that the latter shouldn’t actually belong on that list because it is enjoyable. I agree. But, whilst I agree, I also feel it necessary to point out that I am socially awkward. Honestly, I completely panic in social situations. Yes I cover it up well, granted, but even so underneath my calm exterior I am trying so hard to act even remotely cool.

On top of these one off type things I have to organise/attend I have on going things to think about. Work, weight and women. My three least favourite w words. No, I’m just kidding but worrying about those three do put a big strain on me.

I enjoy my work and the people I work with but I am always worried about my future career and how my life will turn out. I like women and have no problem talking to them etc but… Well there are so many women related worries I don’t know where to begin. (I might have to do an entire post just on that!) And when I combine all those worries I eat. Which leads to my third worry; weight. I am constantly fluctuating with no chance of settling for a happy medium in sight.

On top of all of this WordPress has not been behaving for me recently (hence my lack of posts) so I am ploughing my way through technical advice to make sure that I don’t have this much time away from it again!

All in all it’s been a stressful start to September but I’m secretly looking forward to what happens next. At least life isn’t boring.