Adult life.

I thought that, at 23, I’d be married to my teenage crush and that we’d be living in our own house with little versions of us running about causing havoc.

In reality, at 23, I’m drunk texting my teenage crush at 3am to tell her that I love her. We’re friends, it’s fine, she obviously thinks it’s platonic…

I was wrong about adult life. I had visions of me effortlessly drifting through it, ticking off adult goals on the daily.

Nope.

Adult life is me eating a “funsize” bag of popcorn for breakfast in the car on the way to see my therapist.

Adult life is me updating my union membership to premium even though I don’t know what it includes and it costs £10 more a month.

Adult life is me trying to find songs I like for my goddaughter to dance to that don’t involve words like “fuck”, “pussy” and “bitch”. 

Adult life is painting pottery on my day off when I’m hungover and trying not to vomit up 5 pints of cider.

Adult life is getting excited when my Tesco vouchers come through and then spending them on Pokémon cards. Pokémon cards for me. That I collect. At 23.

Is this what life is like at 30? Does Christmas ever become dull? Will I spend my pension money on cat toys for the cats that they don’t even play with?

Is anyone actually an adult?

From the outside I think I seem fairly mature and like I’ve got my shit together. I have a responsible job and people trust me with their children. Underneath that am I just an 8 year old who wants to nap, eat pizza and play in the snow? Yes. I’m not an adult. I’m a fraud. 

Advertisements

I’m in a long term relationship. With food.

Recently I got told by a rake of a woman that everyone has an emotional connection to food. Hers must be negative because it didn’t look like she’d eaten for about a year.
The irony of it all is that I then got told I needed to lose weight by a woman at the completely opposite end of the scale as the rake. Hmmm.
Here’s the thing.
I’ve never been ridiculously skinny. Put it down to whatever you want: too much food and not enough exercise, a metabolism that’s in a coma: I could go on forever.
At the age of 17 I lost 4 stone out of sheer fear. I feared my future. I ate less but didn’t really move more. It happened in the blink of an eye (less than a year) and it changed my life. But not for the better.
It made me depressed. I thought, up until that point, that if I lost weight I would magically become happier. And in all honesty, I found the opposite was true. I had blamed some of my teenage unhappiness on my ever expanding waistline and figured I’d feel better if I was thinner. Granted, I enjoyed the weight loss compliments for the first couple of months but I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t found enlightenment.
The simple answer is that it wasn’t the food that was making me feel rubbish, it was just life. And that’s a massively upsetting thing to realise so young.
So now here we are almost 5 years later and I’m the fattest I have ever been. Lovely.
It’s not an option to not lose weight, I need to as I have an operation lined up and my blood pressure (which is ridiculously high because of my weight) needs to come down considerably.
And despite what the not rake said (“It’s hard, isn’t it?”), I don’t find it hard to lose weight. I find it hard to think that I might sink back into that low place.
So yes, everyone has an emotional connection to food. The rake is right. It looks like Skinny Wagg is back on. Happy Wagg will have to be put on hold.

Song of the week: week 29.

Yippeeeeeeeee, it’s back!
Recently, I’ve been putting some of my older music onto my ipod and I’ve been going back to songs from one of my favourite summers: 2007.
I’ve been getting a bit addicted to “The Feeling” and, as a result of that, this week’s song of the week is “Rosé”.
I don’t think I understood the alcohol related context the first time round so it makes a lot more sense now. I don’t actually like the drink but that’s beside the point.
I don’t know why I like the song, it just appeals to me.

You deserve this so here it is.

Ok it’s time I properly explain what’s been happening in my life. I can’t believe it’s been so long since I last blogged.

Where do I start?

My car has cost me a sickening amount of money recently. Insurance, MOT and at least 3 new tyres (all due to pot holes – grrrr!) have taken quite a chunk out of my bank balance which would be fine if I was working but…

I’m not. I’ve recently left my job.

“What? Why? When? Are you mad?!”

Mmmhhmmm. For a multitude of reasons. Last month. Yes, I definitely am.

They say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone and now that it’s gone I definitely miss it. The financial security, the free food and, of course, the people. Even though I still talk to them it isn’t the same. When you spend nearly every day with the same people for almost 3 years it’s bound to be weird without them but weird doesn’t even come close to explaining how I feel.

And, as to what I’m going to do for money now… I’ll let you know when I know.

“Any women on the scene?”

Nope. Next question please.

“How’s the weight loss going? You must be really skinny by now?”

You’d think so, wouldn’t you? But no, I’m still just as cuddly as ever. And let’s face it, we all know what cuddly really means…

I’m hoping for a good summer though: I’ve got lots of things coming up and even more stuff that I want to do. But before I can do any of that I have a room to paint.

Yup, in the midst of all this uncertainty and change I’ve decided that now is the time to re-decorate my room. I must be mad.

Oh well at least these next few months will be busy.

Have you missed me?

The answer to that question is probably no and I don’t blame you. I expect some of you spent November desperately trying to finish (or start) NaNoWriMo and that those who didn’t were beginning their Christmas shopping and counting down the days until they finished work.

I would love to say I’ve been doing the same things but in reality I haven’t. NaNoWriMo came and went far too quickly and I only managed to write 11,000 words. Although, I’ve never written 11,000 words in such a short amount of time before so I guess that’s a plus. I have completed my Christmas shopping and I’ve now finished work for the Christmas holidays.

I’d love to say that I’ll get back into blogging over this festive period but I know it’s going to be a busy month; I honestly don’t know how I used to blog at least twice a week! That said, I would like to start again in January and, hopefully, start blogging every day or at least three times a week.

Recently, I’ve been back down the gym crying on the treadmill and doing a few hours overtime here and there to boost this month’s income.

I feel like I’ve forgotten how to blog so give me a few days to get back into the swing of it! I’ll probably start by posting some pictures of what I’ve been up to and I should have a Skinny Wagg video (which is LONG overdue) coming your way soon – assuming technology doesn’t fail me!

Back in October, I made a rota of things I wanted to blog about and so I know I have enough structure to blog for about a month as long as I put the effort into getting the contents of my brain onto this blog.

I hope you’ve all been well and that whatever you plan to do this festive season makes you smile. Here’s to a few more months of on and off blogging from me; the ever unreliable blogger that I am.

Not so sober October.

This year, I vowed to do sober October with a friend from work. Last night me and said friend had a drink. Well I had more than one but that’s another story.

At about half one in the morning I decided that Ben and Jerry’s ice cream was needed and that it would go well with some cream. So, I had ice cream and cream. Dairy overload.

For a while, I felt sick and very dizzy but, once the cloud of cider began to drift, I used my awake time wisely and evaluated my life. Here is how I scored.

p>Diet – Currently: 2 out of 10, before 9pm yesterday: 8 out of 10. The diet is going pretty well and I’m starting to enjoy going to the gym. Yes, I do know what I just said and, yes, I did mean it.

Christmas present buying – 9 out of 10. I have out done myself this year. Not only are the majority of presents bought, they are also lying dormant in labelled bags for each person.

Love life – minus 12 out of 10. Basically non-existent and not looking hopeful. Apparently the fact that I can nearly lick my own elbow isn’t a key attribute women look for…

Overall life score – 5 out of 10? I’m striving in some areas and failing in others.

At least now I can comfort myself with alcohol. Goodbye sober October, you were naff.