Foreshadowing.

Last night, I had a foreshadowing mindfuck dream.

In it, I confronted one of my biggest fears about one of my favourite people.

It was a mixture of painful truth and awful potential.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I think dreams are our way of safely exploring things that we cannot process while we are awake. And my theory has never been more prevalent than now.

I don’t struggle with difficult conversations but I struggle to figure out the emotion surrounding them. I can get how I feel out there but then I can’t handle what happens next.

My therapist has told me that sometimes when the fantasy becomes a reality a terrible realisation sets in. All of a sudden, you have what you want and, even if it’s exactly how you had imagined it would be, it’s a shock. 

I am in shock and last night I dealt with that in dream form and today I’m dealing with the idea that I might finally have the opportunity to be happy.

Happiness is scary.

Four possible reasons why I have a headache.

1. I might be ill. This is quite likely as I have been sneezing a lot and generally feeling a bit meh. (My sneezing could be hay fever though so…) I hope I’m not ill as I’ll be finishing work for the summer soon and I don’t want to be ill for the holidays. However, this isn’t an uncommon occurrence in my life. I could pretty much guarantee that as soon as the summer holidays (or any holiday for that matter!) got closer I would get ill. I cannot even remember how many Christmas’ I have been ill for. It sucks.

2. I could have carbon monoxide poisoning. (I don’t by the way.) I woke up to a note today from my mum telling me that the battery in the carbon monoxide sensor needed to be changed. So I did. But it kept beeping (and not a dangerous kind of beep, just a battery kind of beep). But, being the crazy person that I am, I immediately assumed that my house was full to the brim with carbon monoxide and I scooped all my cats up and took them outside with me. Then I headed down to B&Q and got a new carbon monoxide detector and now all is quiet in my house. So, it’s not a headache from that…

3. I haven’t had any caffeine yet and so I’m quite possibly suffering from withdrawal. Yep, you heard me; I’m back on the caffeine. It isn’t all bad though. Yes it makes me shake and behave slightly erratically but as soon as I have some my headaches disappear and I can stay awake for longer. (A bit like carbon monoxide, long term exposure is not good. I know I need to stop having caffeine but I kind of can’t… Hmmmm…)

4. I had a troubling dream that has stuck with me most of the morning. It started off at work where I got called a bloke by someone (this annoyingly happens in real life) and then I was with some girl (there’s a story to this but I can’t explain it now) and everything was all good and then she just disappeared. Maybe my brain has been trying to figure out what this means and has given itself a headache from it.

Or I could just be dehydrated.

My bearded father and a letter.

So last night I had two unpleasant dreams.

The first was that my dad magically came back to life (this one is less unpleasant to be honest and just a bit sad really). However, he didn’t look like my dad; he just looked like my uncle with a beard. (But they were brothers so…?) Nothing particularly exciting happened in this dream but it was a reminder that I haven’t really been thinking about my dad much and so I should probably do that (right after I’ve done the list of 487 things that are already outstanding.).

The second dream was a bit more unpleasant because it involved me writing an emotional letter to someone. Not only was this dream upsetting it also bought a few old issues to the forefront of my mind; which is where they’ve sat all morning. I’m left debating the same things and going in the same circle in my mind. I need to break this chain but with what?

Obviously, my first thought was that I needed caffeine (I lie, my first thought was alcohol but I can’t afford to get drunk today!) and so I had a good dose of that but, for once, it hasn’t done much to ease the niggling negative thoughts brewing in my brain.

As with most difficult situations in life I will now consult my back up plans: ignoring these thoughts and doing something else, driving and listening to thought provoking songs and, my favourite, sleeping.

On the plus side, this blind determination to ignore my life means I’ll have a lot more time for reviewing! 

Funday Sunday.

Is that title cheesy?

It sounds cheesy.

I like it.

Remember when I said I’d make more posts that were experimental and a bit less cohesive than normal? Well here is one of them!

Last night I had a dream that I was in London and that I needed to be back for work at 3 but that it was already half 2 and I hadn’t left.

I’d gone to London alone but I’d stumbled across a few friends and we’d had lunch.

Then, I saw a woman I know from work (I might tell you more about her in the future, let me know if you’re interested in hearing that story!) and she was with a group of friends and she was covered entirely in bubble wrap…

Just as I was leaving I saw my group of friends having a few drinks and I saw that there was a new addition to the group; my ex. So I went over and said I had to get back to work (I was now late and had tried to ring my work but couldn’t get through because my phone just kept dialing zeros…) but that I’d see them all soon.

Then I fell through the pavement and landed in a car that I’d just bought. It was a huge car will 11 seats and I remember being really high up…

Yup, you said you wanted less cohesive posts, and there you go!

This week I’ll be posting the Maxxie review (it will happen, I promise!) and, hopefully, a review of the Kath and Kim episode “gay”.

Until then, enjoy your Funday Sunday.

It is cheesy. I love it.

A question for you all.

Evening everyone!

When I set up this blog I planned to talk about my comedy career (or lack of) but, as the year went on, I found myself posting more and more about my life; including my sexuality, my work and my photos. I’ve even braved topics such as my dad’s death and the things I fear in life.

And, a couple of times, I’ve talked about my dreams. (As in the things I think when I sleep.)

Last night I had a dream that came as a bit of a shock to me. It wasn’t upsetting or distressing or really abstract; it was just a shock. I was with people I knew, having normal conversations and doing day-to-day things but one aspect of it jolted me awake; and there were tears, both happy and sad.

I have been wanting to share with you (my awesome readers) some of these slightly deeper and a lot more personal things but I’m not sure how you’ll take to it.

I considered making a whole new blog to get these emotional rambles out but I don’t think it’d be the same; I don’t think I’ll find this supportive network anywhere else.

Obviously, if I were to start posting those kind of things on here I’d continue to carry on posting songs of the week and photos and reviews (“Hey Wagg, where is that Maxxie review?” “Yeah, it’s coming… Soon…”).

So how does everyone feel about me posting these slightly more experimental things on here? It wouldn’t be frequent but they’d be a lot more compulsive and maybe a little bit less coherent.

Let me know, I look forward to your opinions. 🙂

Snow I had another dream.

And this dream involved snow (kinda), hence the title…

I was staying at a friend’s house for Christmas and it had snowed. It was freezing cold outside but for some reason we went out and had drinks and had a BBQ. She had a big pond at the bottom of her garden which was frozen over. Another friend of mine told me to go and tread on the ice. I did. I fell through and the pond was about 5 foot deep. I panicked but soon I saw my friend running over, laughing. She held down one hand for me to take hold of and I was soon out of the water – freezing cold but laughing hysterically.

What on earth could this dream have meant?

Is that I need to rescued by someone or that I’m looking for a hand? Is that I need to give someone else a hand? Is it a sign that I should lighten up a bit and take things less seriously or is it warning me to take less risks and avoid ponds?

Some dream analysts suggest that falling into water symbolises emotional instability but I don’t feel unstable, I don’t even feel a bit down.

Apparently it may also suggests that I am prone to fevers and colds…

Finally, a website suggests that I am frozen or “paralysed” in my waking life and that I need to break the ice. Hmmmm.

I’m pretty sure the ice broke when 12 stone of clumsy woman fell through it but oh well… Maybe now I’m looking for a hand to hold onto and pull me out?

 

I got married. (In my dream)

Yes, a few nights ago I had a dream where I got married. I’ve had similar dreams but something was distinctly different about this one.

For starters, I wasn’t marrying a woman who I knew and had been lusting after in the waking away for years. The woman I married was one that I have never met before and, to be frank, wasn’t really my type of woman. She was bigger and bolder than what I normally go for and looking back on it I struggle to see how there was any chemistry.

But there was.

We had an American themed wedding, as she was American; complete with taxis ferrying us to and from the venue and a huge buffet laid on with traditional English favourites and American luxuries.

We had our reception at a lovely manor house with acres of land and a permanent source of sun. I’d guess it was summer because all of our guests (who I remember interacting with quite clearly) were dressed in short dresses and casual shirts. There weren’t any massive fleecy jumpers and wooly scarves.

We then traveled to our evening party in a lovely yellow taxi.

She looked stunning in her blue dress and I was suitably suited and booted in a matching blue outfit.

The taxi journey to our party was the bit that stood out the most to me. I kissed her on the side of the head and we sat and grinned, taking our day in.

Once awake, it finally occurred to me that maybe I should broaden my horizons and stop looking for the same type of women in the same type of places. Maybe I’m missing out on someone because I’ve narrowed my search down so much.

As I’ve said before, I believe dreams are there to give you an indication on what you should be doing or thinking about when you’re awake and I think this was a subtle way for my brain to say “Hey, get out there a bit more and who knows you could be getting married in a few years…”

I’ve always enjoyed the thought that one day I’ll get married to the woman of my dreams and now that seems even more prominent.