Evening.

Dear Mindfuck,

Dear is too formal and Mindfuck is too informal.

Hi Brainsmush,

Is that better? Who the feck knows.

You’re probably sat at home on your sofa right now watching tv and snacking. I’m trying to get to sleep but evidently it isn’t working.

I feel like I’ve got a lot to lose. I’ve got my pride and my bravado and a hell of a lot of weight.

You have more to lose and I understand why you’re clinging onto it all.

I can’t and won’t guarantee you that this will be easy. I’ve learnt from my therapist that nothing can be guaranteed. 

She has a point.

I will not make promises that I can’t keep. With that in mind, I promise you these things:

  • I promise that I will always be grumpy before 6am.
  • I promise that I will always be allergic to cats and covered in their fur but that I will always consider getting more.
  • I promise to take note of the little things – like how your eyes seem brighter when you have no make up on.
  • I promise to be annoying and needy and ever so slightly immature.

On paper, we don’t make sense. It’s a good thing that we aren’t just fictional characters. I am not your ideal man and you are not my ideal woman and yet I feel like a nervous teenager when I see you.

I’m ready to lose my bravado.

Love, Similar Mindfuck 

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Well that lasted long.

I reckon I’ll just be an occasional blogger now. I thought I’d get back into the swing of it more during unemployment but alas, I am lazy. And I use the internet for other things (mostly OITNB related…) and forget that I have a blog.
Hello blog.
I’ve now finished painting my room (hurray!) and I’m enjoying my new bed more than I should be. I’ve started having regular bed naps where before I would have a sofa nap. I am an ever changing woman.
Career wise my life is much the same: lots of looking and not a lot of finding. It’s a bit like playing hide and seek in the dark, in a mansion, with a person that gave up after 5 minutes and left the building. I’m searching for something that just isn’t out there. Yuck, that was horribly philosophical for 11:45 at night.
I want to get back to blogging. I love the structure of it and I enjoy getting feedback and hearing about everyone else’s lives but the motivation isn’t there.
I’ve got an idea for a couple of blogging avenues that I may pursue but they’re both quite personal and, although I’ve put personal content on here before, this may be the most personal project to date.
I’m still very much in love with my camera and use it at every opportunity I get (my cats are my main muses). I’ve moved away from landscapes now though and seem to have a fascination for buildings and people. This will, no doubt, change again soon.
This is a ramble post. I should have stopped writing by now.
I uncovered a lot of things while I tidied and re-decorated my room. One of those things was a list I compiled at the age of 12 detailing over 100 things I wanted to do before I died. I am proud (and ashamed) that I have been able to cross quite a few things off and I was amused by what goals I set myself. A friend suggested I write a new list of things I want to do before I’m 30. I worry that I’ll blink and I’ll be 30 and jobless, childless and wifeless. Those are probably the three main things I’d like to secure before turning 30.
I feel annoyed that I let my blogging slip (along with other things like my weight loss…) and I have a schedule all ready for me to start using again. And, before I forget, I have a fairly substantial amount of money I collected from doing my brief stint of “Skinny Wagg” that should be sent to the appropriate charity. (I need to check what charity that was again…)
I might try and revive this blog after all. I don’t think I’m quite finished with it yet.

Memories on dvd.

Today I found my old camcorder which was aptly named “Waggcam”. I say found because it had been lying dormant in my room for over a year. I knew where it was and I knew I had to sort my videos out at some point but I’d left it there. Until today.

I used to watch the old videos back frequently, I would cringe at my toothy grin and get teary eyed watching my 3 year cats in videos of them as kittens.

What I had genuinely forgotten about was my video diaries that were stored on the camera’s internal memory. They are priceless! My long hair is often matted and I wore a lot of loosely fitting hoodies and I cried a lot. I cried about everything; literally everything.

The real question is, what do I do with these videos? There must be in excess of 100 hours of footage. I, obviously, want to keep them but I want to do more than just store them away.

I’m contemplating mashing them all together into one huge Waggcam film that I can enjoy with my friends but I know it’ll be time consuming and emotionally draining.

There are videos of my (now late) granddad, videos of my flooded house and videos of me simply sitting in my room trying to figure out why I feel so strongly about certain women. There are videos of me nervously exploring Albi on the French exchange, videos of drama rehearsals that depict me chomping on chip – shop chips and videos of people who I no longer speak to or see but people who I shared a great big chunk of my life with.

So now is the decision time, what to do with these videos?

 

Four possible reasons why I have a headache.

1. I might be ill. This is quite likely as I have been sneezing a lot and generally feeling a bit meh. (My sneezing could be hay fever though so…) I hope I’m not ill as I’ll be finishing work for the summer soon and I don’t want to be ill for the holidays. However, this isn’t an uncommon occurrence in my life. I could pretty much guarantee that as soon as the summer holidays (or any holiday for that matter!) got closer I would get ill. I cannot even remember how many Christmas’ I have been ill for. It sucks.

2. I could have carbon monoxide poisoning. (I don’t by the way.) I woke up to a note today from my mum telling me that the battery in the carbon monoxide sensor needed to be changed. So I did. But it kept beeping (and not a dangerous kind of beep, just a battery kind of beep). But, being the crazy person that I am, I immediately assumed that my house was full to the brim with carbon monoxide and I scooped all my cats up and took them outside with me. Then I headed down to B&Q and got a new carbon monoxide detector and now all is quiet in my house. So, it’s not a headache from that…

3. I haven’t had any caffeine yet and so I’m quite possibly suffering from withdrawal. Yep, you heard me; I’m back on the caffeine. It isn’t all bad though. Yes it makes me shake and behave slightly erratically but as soon as I have some my headaches disappear and I can stay awake for longer. (A bit like carbon monoxide, long term exposure is not good. I know I need to stop having caffeine but I kind of can’t… Hmmmm…)

4. I had a troubling dream that has stuck with me most of the morning. It started off at work where I got called a bloke by someone (this annoyingly happens in real life) and then I was with some girl (there’s a story to this but I can’t explain it now) and everything was all good and then she just disappeared. Maybe my brain has been trying to figure out what this means and has given itself a headache from it.

Or I could just be dehydrated.