Evening.

Dear Mindfuck,

Dear is too formal and Mindfuck is too informal.

Hi Brainsmush,

Is that better? Who the feck knows.

You’re probably sat at home on your sofa right now watching tv and snacking. I’m trying to get to sleep but evidently it isn’t working.

I feel like I’ve got a lot to lose. I’ve got my pride and my bravado and a hell of a lot of weight.

You have more to lose and I understand why you’re clinging onto it all.

I can’t and won’t guarantee you that this will be easy. I’ve learnt from my therapist that nothing can be guaranteed. 

She has a point.

I will not make promises that I can’t keep. With that in mind, I promise you these things:

  • I promise that I will always be grumpy before 6am.
  • I promise that I will always be allergic to cats and covered in their fur but that I will always consider getting more.
  • I promise to take note of the little things – like how your eyes seem brighter when you have no make up on.
  • I promise to be annoying and needy and ever so slightly immature.

On paper, we don’t make sense. It’s a good thing that we aren’t just fictional characters. I am not your ideal man and you are not my ideal woman and yet I feel like a nervous teenager when I see you.

I’m ready to lose my bravado.

Love, Similar Mindfuck 

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Girl crushes and how they confuse me.

Not me personally, obviously. If I felt confused every time I had a thing for a girl I’ve have had a breakdown by now.
No, I’m talking about “straight” women who have girl crushes. Am I mocking straight women by using the quotation marks? No, straight women exist I’m aware of that. But what I want to challenge is if straight women can have girl crushes and still be straight.
Controversial? I hope so.
I recently read a post in which someone tried to describe why they had a girl crush on a certain celebrity. But they couldn’t find the words. It wasn’t that they liked one specific thing about this celebrity. They didn’t want to be her friend, they didn’t like her fashion sense and they weren’t jealous of her lifestyle. They just had an unexplainable feeling about her.
Yeah I’ve had that about women too. That churning in the stomach (not caused by an undercooked piece of meat), the shaky hands (not caused by some form of withdrawal) and the heart palpitations (not caused by a caffeine overdose. Speaking of which, I’m not drinking caffeine again – hurray!).
That unexplainable feeling could be attraction. Just sayin’.
And I don’t think people are against those feelings because I understand that a lot of people are open minded and that it’s possible to fall for somebody because of their personality and not their gender. I get that.
But then why the need to identify or label themselves as straight? Why not explore bisexuality or pansexuality?
And let’s say a woman likes a specific celebrity because of their looks. They like her black hair and her petite figure. What’s to say that’s the only woman with black hair and a petite figure that they’ll like? What if they like other women who look like that?
When does a girl crush/multiple girl crushes become a sexuality thing rather than an admiration thing?
And I’m not trying to recruit, I’m just puzzled.
And I get that if someone finds someone else’s hair nice it doesn’t necessarily mean they want to jump into bed with them. I think Rupert Grint is a cutie but I don’t want his kids.
I’m also confused by the whole “the difference between a straight girl and a bi girl is two drinks” theory. First of all, bisexuality is not a drunk sexuality; it is a legitimate sexuality and doesn’t deserved to be undermined. Yet I don’t understand why when some women are drunk they kiss other women? Or why some women say they’d kiss a woman/sleep with a woman if they were drunk. A friend of mine always used to say that drunk feelings were sober thoughts and I can’t help but wonder if this is the case.
I guess I haven’t really got a conclusion to this because feelings aren’t something that can be plotted and measured but I’d like to hear people’s thoughts on this. 🙂

Four possible reasons why I have a headache.

1. I might be ill. This is quite likely as I have been sneezing a lot and generally feeling a bit meh. (My sneezing could be hay fever though so…) I hope I’m not ill as I’ll be finishing work for the summer soon and I don’t want to be ill for the holidays. However, this isn’t an uncommon occurrence in my life. I could pretty much guarantee that as soon as the summer holidays (or any holiday for that matter!) got closer I would get ill. I cannot even remember how many Christmas’ I have been ill for. It sucks.

2. I could have carbon monoxide poisoning. (I don’t by the way.) I woke up to a note today from my mum telling me that the battery in the carbon monoxide sensor needed to be changed. So I did. But it kept beeping (and not a dangerous kind of beep, just a battery kind of beep). But, being the crazy person that I am, I immediately assumed that my house was full to the brim with carbon monoxide and I scooped all my cats up and took them outside with me. Then I headed down to B&Q and got a new carbon monoxide detector and now all is quiet in my house. So, it’s not a headache from that…

3. I haven’t had any caffeine yet and so I’m quite possibly suffering from withdrawal. Yep, you heard me; I’m back on the caffeine. It isn’t all bad though. Yes it makes me shake and behave slightly erratically but as soon as I have some my headaches disappear and I can stay awake for longer. (A bit like carbon monoxide, long term exposure is not good. I know I need to stop having caffeine but I kind of can’t… Hmmmm…)

4. I had a troubling dream that has stuck with me most of the morning. It started off at work where I got called a bloke by someone (this annoyingly happens in real life) and then I was with some girl (there’s a story to this but I can’t explain it now) and everything was all good and then she just disappeared. Maybe my brain has been trying to figure out what this means and has given itself a headache from it.

Or I could just be dehydrated.

Today I’m craving caffeine.

It’s been 5 months since I’ve had any proper form of caffeine (ie drink). I know I don’t need it but I feel like I’m missing it a bit. I don’t miss the nausea and the headaches and the paranoia but I miss the buzz it used to give me. I think I used to forget how tiring life could be without the comforting mist of caffeine hovering over my head. It did have its positives. I felt happier and more alert with the help of caffeine and strangely more me.

I feel I’ve lost touch with the person I was a few years ago: the person that used to go to bed at 10 and visit her dad’s grave a lot and try hard at school. Now I’m out till the early hours, pushing my dad to the back of my memory and not really trying hard to do anything. Except have caffeine.

Constant reminders of caffeine come in different forms: a drink down the pub, an offer of a coffee at work, a new Coke bottle design. There are also vague memories of caffeinated days: immense headaches, saying stupid things and crying on a pavement.

I know I’m better off without it and not having caffeine and my life becoming a little less interesting and enjoyable are just coincidental. I’m enjoying life less and getting less out of it because I’m doing the same thing practically every day. And that takes its toll. I know I’m not happier with caffeine but am I happier without it? Is it as black and white as caffeine is bad and life without caffeine is good?

This sounds so trivial written down but when it comes down to it, it was an addiction. It is an addiction. One day it might become an addiction again.

Dear caffeine.

Dear caffeine,

I would say I miss you but I’d be lying. I still find you tempting but, four months since the last time you were in my life, I can honestly say I don’t need you.

I would find you in my darkest hours and revel in your comfort as you helped me to block out my most painful thoughts and feelings. You were, at most, a deterent. You helped me forget what I couldn’t face but now I face such things alone; without you.

I have to send the difficult texts, work for 12 hours at a time and wake up knowing that I cannot rely on you.

It’s been four months and I can’t see myself turning back.

We had our good times. We had our late night giggles and our early morning pick me ups but essentially you were a diversion.

I’ve discovered the delights of the gym and the people in my life who want to hear what’s troubling me and it’s refreshing. It’s much more refreshing than downing a caffeineated drink and having to deal with the headaches and nausea and paranoia afterwards.

I’m so sorry I had to leave you but we were no longer getting on. I loved you more than words could describe but you did me no favours and made me into a bad person. A person I didn’t want to be.

Maybe one day when I feel like I can trust myself not to be taken back in by you I’ll drop by and see if we can be friends. Just a pint or two instead of three of four.

But until then goodbye.

All the best,

Wagg

Caffeine.

I have a love hate relationship with caffeine. I love it, it hates me.

I suppose you could say that I’m caffeine intolerant or sensitive. I get headaches and nausea, blackouts and paranoia from caffeine yet I still, very occasionally, indulge in it. And I’m left asking myself one question: why?

I think I like the high it gives me.

I get a nice rush where I feel unstoppable and then get days of feeling awful, and ridiculously painful, caffeine withdrawals.

I always say that I’m going to stop drinking caffeinated products but the temptation is still there; lingering like an annoying fly. It’s a temptation that 9/10 times I can ignore but that tiny percent of the time that I can’t, I indulge in it.

Last night was that tiny percentage. And now I have a headache.