Depression nearly killed me.

This is going to be a deep one so if you’ve come here for comedy (and my blog name is Waggcomedy so you’d think I’d be funny) I suggest you skim over this one. Unfortunately, there isn’t an awful lot of comedy in depression. 

(Just a quick note before I start this post properly, I am now seeing a therapist and am feeling considerably happier.)

They say depression can happen to anyone of any gender, ethnic origin, socio-economic group or sexuality. It might be a slow burner in the background for years or it might hit you full force one day.

For me, it was the latter. 

I don’t really want to talk about what made me realise that I was depressed apart from to say that it was scary and a relief at the same time. Telling people was difficult and I still haven’t told many people as there is definitely still a stigma attached to mental illness.

The most important thing I wanted people to understand when I told them was that I haven’t changed. I’m not suddenly going to sit at home crying all day and I don’t want to be treated any differently. Thinking about it, I’ve been depressed for a long time but have always blamed my feelings on work or being tired or hormonal.

When I was signed off work (because I dislocated my knee) I was forced to think about the real reason why I hadn’t felt “myself” for a quite some time. I could no longer say I was tired from work and I felt confused for a while because I didn’t understand why I felt so detached from life. 

Through therapy, I have learned that my depression manifests itself in anger which I find difficult. I don’t like being angry and I cannot control myself from being angry most of the time.

As well as anger I’ve also felt an overwhelming sense of worthlessness and have had suicidal thoughts. Slowly these are going though and I welcome having a clearer head.

I wish that depression was spoken about more and I wish that there were more resources for people being widely advertised. I also wish that more accurate representations of people with depression existed. I know depression affects people in different ways but it would be nice to see that explored rather than just the stereotypical view of depression.

Depression is teaching me things about myself that I don’t think I would know and for that I am grateful. It’s taught me a lot about the people around me too and I’m looking forward to hearing their feedback on my changes.

Lastly, I just want to say that things get better. It sounds so cheesy and sugar coated but it’s true. The bad days are shit. But the good days are amazing. Eventually, the good will outnumber the bad. I promise you. 

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Man, I feel like a… well like a man actually.

If you haven’t read the first post I did about this then you can read that here: https://waggcomedy.wordpress.com/2012/10/26/man-i-feel-like-a-woman-every-day-of-my-life/

Alternatively, you can just not read that and I can save you some time by telling you that I’m trans and, at the time I wrote that post, I was in so much denial.

Last summer I dislocated my knee and spent a lot of time alone in the house. My friends came to visit me and offered me loads of support via messages but something wasn’t right. I realised that I had depression and that I had had it for a long time. (You can read more about that here: https://waggcomedy.wordpress.com/?s=Depression+nearly+&submit=Search

I have always thought about being trans. I mean I repressed it a lot but it had always played on my mind; in the middle of the night when I was wide awake. My therapist helped me to talk about what I described as “the biggest can of worms ever”. 

It is the biggest can of worms ever. It has shocked me and it is the most difficult thing to come to terms with.

People often talk about friends and family having to go through a grieving process but I’m grieving too. I plan to do a post on that at some point, but I’ll just say now that this isn’t an easy thing for me to get my head around.

I question it. Of course I do. But I’m a man. I’m a man who likes Tegan and Sara and that’s ok. I mean I was an honorary lesbian for 24 years. I am a straight man who likes a “lesbian” band. That feels weird. I guess I’m going to have to explain why to people but I doubt explaining my music tastes will be the hardest thing to do. 

I hope you all likes blogs about being trans because this blog is about to be full of transness!