Authentic you.

“You need to be your authentic you”, my therapist told me.

I thought, rather naively, that she meant that I needed to be honest. I can do honesty; I’m pretty much always honest to others.

I’m very rarely honest to myself.

Honesty is weird because I expect it from other people and I give it to other people but I rarely give it to myself.

For some reason being honest to myself is scary. It’s confronting those 3am thoughts and it’s listening to that little voice that wants those suppressed feelings to be neutralised. It’s looking at that face in the mirror and making sure there isn’t any disharmony.

I see so much fucking disharmony.

That’s the annoying thing about being authentic; it isn’t just about honesty. It’s about harmony.

For me, I try to guess how people perceive me but then I don’t always show people who I am. This leads to crossed wires, unrealistic expectations and pain.

In order to be authentic everything needs to be real. How I feel needs to match what I tell others about how I feel. Being transparent is hard. It leaves me vulnerable.

Turns out being honest isn’t so easy after all.

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2 thoughts on “Authentic you.

  1. I really really dislike the term “passing” but I’m going to use it here because so many people in the community understand it.

    One of the things about “passing” seems to be a lack of effort. And I don’t mean that in the way some people might think. In fact, perhaps I mean it the opposite way.

    When we’re unsure of ourselves, when we’re not authentically ourselves (which I agree is hard!), we start to “act”, and our role in society becomes performance art rather than just who we are.

    But the funny thing is that people seem to be able to detect performance art versus authenticity. Maybe we try to hard. Maybe we make subtle mistakes or maybe we’re acting so hard that we don’t make mistakes.

    I’m not really sure. But what I do know is that as I acquired personal inner peace, as I began to simply “be me” as opposed to someone society thought I should be, my issues with “passing” vanished.

    Yeah, I admit I’ve had medical help along the way as an MtF trans woman but that help, while it definitely helped, wasn’t the final piece of the puzzle for me.

    It was when I finally found a way to “be me” that I stopped acting. And almost as soon as I stopped acting, I stopped getting misgendered, etc. I know it’s not that easy for everyone. I know that hormones need time to work. I know that there are other aspects. But regardless of all those things, it does seem to me that “passing” includes being authentic, just “being you” rather than a construct.

    • waggcomedy says:

      Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to your comment!
      I completely agree with you, in fact I couldn’t have said it better myself!
      I think it takes people a long time to be truly themselves, whatever the circumstance, and I think that the only way people can be themselves is by actually being themselves.
      Did that make any sense? I hope so!

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