There’s always one.

There’s always one straight woman or, maybe, there’s an entire string of straight women who have (unknowingly) broken your heart.

I wish there was just one for me. I wish that I had had one crush on a straight girl when I was 14 and then found myself a fellow lady lover to live out my days with. That wasn’t the case.

This is why I was so passionate about Faking It and Karmy (did you read the letter that Carter Covington released? My life will never be the same again.). I think at one point every lesbian and bi lass has yearned for their straight friend or colleague to fall in love with them.

I mean, I’m a realistic person and I know it wouldn’t end well but there’s always that little bit of futile hope that keeps me believing in the impossible. I’ve dated friends and it never ends well and as much as I’d like to say we managed to be friends afterwards I’d be lying if I said that.

This has got a whole lot more personal than I had originally intended.

So now, age 23, I find myself in a very familiar situation. I find myself attracted to (I can’t bring myself to say in love) a straight woman who will inevitably, unintentionally crush my heart.

As a lesbian who is interested in a straight woman, there is nothing more deflating than knowing that you will never be enough. Because, let’s face it, I will never be enough for her. I will never, ever be able to offer her what she wants and needs. Despite how much I can make her laugh and how much we understand each other I will never be anything other than a friend. That is an unpleasant thought. I will never be able to make her as happy as he can. She will never love me like I love her.

She’s the latest addition to the straight girl crush list and I have a feeling this one is going to hit me harder than the rest.

Please don’t break my lesbian heart.

This post will almost definitely contain spoilers for Faking It and Grey’s Anatomy so if you aren’t up to date I’d look away now!

It’s a shame that I’m not 15 again. When I was 15 and desperately “shipping” people I only had fanfiction to turn to. I didn’t have Tumblr or Instagram. Now that I am 23 I am making the most out of my inner fangirl and I am taking advantage of these modern ways of becoming easily obsessed with things.

Who is my OTP (One True Pairing¬† -a combination of people who I think fit together the best)? I am torn between it being Karmy (Karma and Amy from Faking It) or Calzona (Callie and Arizona from Grey’s Anatomy). It’s worth mentioning that Naomily (Naomi and Emily from Skins) score very highly but I’m not quite yet emotionally stable enough to enjoy their series 3 and 4 romance. (I will NEVER be ready to talk about what happened to them in series 7 – my heart is still aching from that one!).

The problem with shipping people is that I reach a whole new level of emotional involvement.¬†I can no longer just enjoy Faking It or Grey’s Anatomy; I have to analyse every single word my OTP say to each other and try and find a meme for it so I can look at it at 3am and rediscover all of “the feels”.

Speaking of feels, I’ve been emotionally fragile recently.

MTV have cancelled Faking It (we all know Karmy wont be endgame and that’s literally destroying me right now) and Callie and Arizona have just been to court to settle the custody of their daughter, Sofia.

Let’s talk about Karmy first. I wont do a recap as I don’t think I can describe their relationship accurately. I desperately wish that Karma would just accept that there is the possibility that she has feelings for Amy. I mean what was that “woah” about after the threesome kiss (Confused by what I’m talking about? If you love angsty teenage love stories you’d love Faking It so it’s worth catching up!)? And why did she kiss Amy in the swimming pool?

I thought Grey’s Anatomy were finally going to make me happy when Callie and Arizona got married but oh nooooo. Now they’re separated and I’m starting to think that no lesbian couple finishes with a happy ending.

The list of lesbian/bi characters that have been killed off is extremely long. Can we take a moment to remember Cat (Lip Service), Dana (The L Word) and Naomi (Skins. Also, just because we didn’t see her die doesn’t mean she didn’t. Despite how much I’d love to believe she survived I think I need to be realistic and allow myself to grieve.).

Then there are all of the lesbian/bi couples that haven’t died but have split up under ridiculous, out of character circumstances. And, just when you think your OTP will get their happy ever after, the show is cancelled. Two words: Sugar Rush.

I’m not asking for too much am I? I just want a bit of happiness.

Just a little bit crazy.

So I log in for the first time in a month (we all know it’s been more than a month but…) and I’ve got a notification to say that I’ve been using WordPress for 4 years. Four. FOUR.

I was 19 four years ago. I was miserable and bored and ever so slightly heartbroken.

Everything goes so fast recently. My goddaughter has just turned 2 yet I can still very clearly remember meeting her for the first time when she was just a week old. Now she can walk, talk and boss me about. Although I cannot wait for her to be old enough to bake cakes with me and tell me how her day at school went, I cant help wishing she was still tiny and babbling and just being able to sit up by herself.

Nights out remind me that I am aging rapidly. The current gaggle of fresh faced 18 year olds are so enthusiastic and genuinely want to be in town. I get drunk so easily, don’t know what most of the songs are and take days to recover from a hangover.

Would I want to be 18 again? Maybe for a day. But then I know that in 5 years from now I will probably want to be 23 again. So maybe I should just enjoy being 23 today and stop thinking about how fast everything goes? It’s all downhill from here though, right?