Self reflection is the worst use of time.

Being a bus driver is challenging; mentally. I am constantly trying to guess what other vehicles will do and work out why people love to cross in front of my bus. (Please don’t cross in front of a bus, it’s just not a good idea!)

Physically, however, my job is not very demanding. I get myself into a nice comfy position, adjust the chair and the mirrors and that’s where I’ll stay for up to four hours at a time. Bliss.

Aside from the obvious reasons, traffic jams annoy me because they give me a chance to think. Sometimes that can be helpful and I must admit that many a blog post has started life being a furiously scribbled down jumble of words whilst I’m sat staring into the car in front of me. Other times I will use them to have a quick drink, sort some of my coins out or adjust my hair (I am less vain than I sound).

Unfortunately, I normally sit in traffic jams thinking. Thinking about her and her and him and why I’m thinking about her and him. And then I start thinking about me.

I find myself musing over what I’ve done and not done and achieved and not achieved. It’s a dangerous thing to do when you’ve made a lot of mistakes and don’t want 80 members of the public to see you cry. (Yes, I still cry a lot. In fact, since my goddaughter was born I’ve cried so much I don’t think I could put a number on how many times. She makes me cry for good reasons though – like the first time she said my name or told me she loved me. So precious! Anyway…)

Self reflection is necessary, even I can see that, but isn’t always pleasant. I like to do my self reflection in the little space of time I have between waking up from a dream and getting out of bed. Sometimes that equates to about thirty seconds or, on days like today, it was more like thirty minutes.

I am my own worst enemy as I have admitted before and so self reflection is just another opportunity to beat myself up about things. I am very self deprecating. I know that I can learn an awful lot from what I’ve done in the past but outwardly cringing at myself on the bus is not a good look.

Traffic jams suck.

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