Self reflection is the worst use of time.

Being a bus driver is challenging; mentally. I am constantly trying to guess what other vehicles will do and work out why people love to cross in front of my bus. (Please don’t cross in front of a bus, it’s just not a good idea!)

Physically, however, my job is not very demanding. I get myself into a nice comfy position, adjust the chair and the mirrors and that’s where I’ll stay for up to four hours at a time. Bliss.

Aside from the obvious reasons, traffic jams annoy me because they give me a chance to think. Sometimes that can be helpful and I must admit that many a blog post has started life being a furiously scribbled down jumble of words whilst I’m sat staring into the car in front of me. Other times I will use them to have a quick drink, sort some of my coins out or adjust my hair (I am less vain than I sound).

Unfortunately, I normally sit in traffic jams thinking. Thinking about her and her and him and why I’m thinking about her and him. And then I start thinking about me.

I find myself musing over what I’ve done and not done and achieved and not achieved. It’s a dangerous thing to do when you’ve made a lot of mistakes and don’t want 80 members of the public to see you cry. (Yes, I still cry a lot. In fact, since my goddaughter was born I’ve cried so much I don’t think I could put a number on how many times. She makes me cry for good reasons though – like the first time she said my name or told me she loved me. So precious! Anyway…)

Self reflection is necessary, even I can see that, but isn’t always pleasant. I like to do my self reflection in the little space of time I have between waking up from a dream and getting out of bed. Sometimes that equates to about thirty seconds or, on days like today, it was more like thirty minutes.

I am my own worst enemy as I have admitted before and so self reflection is just another opportunity to beat myself up about things. I am very self deprecating. I know that I can learn an awful lot from what I’ve done in the past but outwardly cringing at myself on the bus is not a good look.

Traffic jams suck.

Just a quick OTP moment.

So Faking It is set to return soon and I could not be more excited about series 3. Will Karmy finally get their happily ever after? (Yes, I ship Karmy and I’m proud of that. I also ship Naomily and Calzona, just so you know…)

I take back what I said, Karmy aren’t my OTP; as their relationship is very flawed. And, actually, they’re flawed as individuals.

Now I’m just searching for Karmy gifs. One minute while I regress to my 14 year old self.

Ok done.

I’m just intrigued about what this new series will bring. Will Karma discover her (blatant) bisexuality? Will they ever be best friends again? Will series 3 be the last series?

Who knows.

You’re a what?!

I’m a godmother.

Seems perfectly plausible right?

Apparently not.

Whenever I tell anyone that I’m a godmother they seem baffled. Even my own grandmother said  I’d be an awful godparent.

Actually (and rather bigheadedly), I’m a very good godmother. I shouldn’t take any credit for that though; my goddaughter is the funniest, most intelligent and happiest toddler ever. Fact. And to be honest she brings out the best in me.

Anyway.

I can’t pinpoint why people seem shocked when I tell them that I have a goddaughter. I’m not a habitual drug user, a murderer or anything else like that. I’m a non-smoking, practically teetotal bus driver. What’s so bad about that?

I sincerely hope people aren’t concerned because I’m gay; as most of us know you cant catch gayness. And even if you could – SO WHAT?!

Maybe my age surprises people but I don’t think that I am particularly young and I have always been pretty mature for my age. Deaths of close family members, interesting step-parent dynamics and being gay have made me a lot more… adult like?

And, whilst I am adult like, I have maintained a certain childishness; which I think is key to being a godparent. I can do sensible things like securing her into a car seat properly but I can also make train noises and jump into ball pits. (How cool are indoor play places? I definitely did not appreciate them enough when I was younger!)

Of course there is always the religious element. Yes, I was christened but do I consider myself to be a Christian? No. I think a modern day godparent has much more than just a religious input in a child’s life. If and when she asks me about religion I wont limit my answer to Christianity, nor will I force my opinion down her throat. I’ll tell her that there are many religions and religious scriptures and that everyone has a different way of being part of that religion or interpreting that scripture. I’ll also tell her that some people don’t believe in any religion and that some people are unsure and that a person’s religion does not necessarily define them.

Occasionally, I have doubted my ability to be a godparent. I am not the healthiest person and cannot run around after her for long periods of time. I am not particularly clued up on kids and what kids like to do and how to keep them entertained. I didn’t know how to hold her properly when she was born and I don’t think my I am the most inspirational person around.

But I love her and I love seeing her grow up and learn new words and I love seeing her trying to figure out things in life for the first time and I think that’s the most important thing. You can’t teach someone how to love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Song of the week: week 32.

I am OBSESSED with two songs at the moment.

The first, “Downtown” by Macklemore, has been out for quite some time but I’m late to the party. There’s something strangely summery about its chorus and I secretly love how disjointed it is. And Macklemore is such a little cutie so what’s not to like?!

Secondly, I am loving “Ex’s & Oh’s” by Elle King (however, I find the spelling of the title slightly disturbing…). It’s not that the song is particularly relatable or that it’s an intricate song – it just works and it’s been on repeat in my car all day.

I must also admit that I’ve been binging on Olly Murs’ “Oh My Goodness”; but the less said about that, the better.

 

My intentions.

Blogging from my phone is difficult but I have a free hour so…

When it comes to a lot of things I have good intentions. I want to read a lot of books, lose a lot of weight and make my room a tranquil place of rest.

In reality however I start and don’t finish books, gain weight and watch my room slowly fill with things that I can’t seem to shift.

It’s not that I’m lazy or don’t have much time. I can be extremely motivated when I feel like it and I have days off work fairly regularly. So I don’t really understand why have a stack of books to read next to my bed.

I think I’m a good procrastinator. I will do almost anything to avoid the most important things in my life (going to the bank is a good example of this!) and I worry myself unnecessarily and make these important tasks seem impossible.

I also have a short attention span. I can’t watch a film in one sitting (I even get up and pace around the corridors at the cinema) and if a book hasn’t featured a death, an affair or some sort of apocalyptic event within the first 5 pages then I’m not likely to finish it.

I guess you could say that I really value my spare time and so don’t want to waste it on things that I don’t find exciting or funny or worthy.

And I’m acutely aware that loosing weight and going to the bank are worthy. So maybe I am just lazy after all.