I haven’t blogged for a while (which a couple of my friends mentioned to me) and I feel like I owe you an explanation. The only real reason is that I am lazy but have good intentions; something I’m pretty sure my teachers said about me at school.
So I was having a little scout around my old diaries trying to find a particular entry and, instead, I came across one where I seem to be struggling to explain how I feel about women. At this point, I know I like women and have come out to a few people but, alone at night and doing some deep thinking, I try and rationalise how I’m feeling; and it doesn’t end well. I won’t include the passage as it contains plenty of swear words and, in all honesty, it’s a bit embarrassing. However, in light of recent conversations and thoughts I decided it would be a good idea to think about what I would say now to the younger me, hunched over my diary, scribbling away furiously at 11 at night (that was very late for me then – don’t judge!).
You know, kid, they’ll come a day when you’ll be sitting in your friend’s car and you’ll be more than a little bit drunk and Macklemore’s “Same love” with come on the radio and you’ll be furious. Not because you don’t like the song though – you’ll be angry because the radio presenter will say his name wrong. But it kind of won’t matter in the grand scheme of things because your friend will say, almost to herself, “I really like this song” and, even though you know all the words, you only sing a few lines because you kind of like hearing your friend sing a bit. Because she sent you a link to it on Facebook because she knew you’d like it. And it doesn’t stop there.
One of your friends will be able to list at least three Tegan and Sara songs and she’ll know the difference between stone butch and soft butch and you’ll wonder why you were ever worried about coming out to her. I mean come on kid, she knew from the beginning; and I can bet you she’ll be there to the end.
You’ll have a conversation with two straight friends about sexual fluidity and you’ll realise that you’re not the only person who thinks that it’s possible to love outside of your “normal” gender preference and you’ll realise that if you three think the same then it’s likely to a lot of others do too.
Your friends are at a pub across town and you’ll walk there and tell them what’s happened and how you feel used and how you have no faith in women anymore and they’ll hug you, make you laugh and offer to buy you more drinks until you’ve lost your key but you don’t care because you have a group of people dancing to “Play hard” to get back to.
It’s one in the morning and you ring your friend and cry down the phone to him. He’s barely awake but he still manages to humour you as you ramble on about how shit you feel and how drunk you are and how you actually really liked this one or how upsetting it is that she’ll never like you back because she’s straight. He listens, not because he has to but because he wants to.
One Sunday you’ll text your manager about a Facebook message from a woman. Not many managers would be willing to talk to their twenty year old employee about their lesbian near miss. It’s a shame it was a near miss, because it wasn’t a near miss in my mind – just a miss for me.
And so right now you can’t explain how you feel but you don’t really have to because in five years’ time people will know you and they’ll get you. They’ll understand what you’re trying to say by the way you sigh or the way you look longingly at that woman. And they won’t care. They want you to be happy, regardless of what makes you happy. They’ll moan about the women that let you down the same way they rant about the men that have screwed them around and it’ll just feel right. It’ll all be alright.