We’ve all had them.
If you say that you haven’t; you’re lying.
Come on, you’re trying to remember them. Maybe it was a long time ago. I’ll give you some prompts to help you remember them.
You remember the first time you saw her wearing glasses (near the station, in the rain, on a Wednesday), you remember that time she winked at you, that time she held your hand when she was drunk and dancing and your heart definitely skipped a beat.
Did that help? Yup, now you remember her.
There are many types of straight crushes; that celebrity crush, that crush on your straight teacher, that crush on that girl from school, that crush on that girl who works in that shop and, worst of all, that crush on that girl that you could never, ever get.
The awful part about straight crushes is that there is literally nothing you can do about it.
If you’ve finally managed to steer clear of the straight lasses and focus on the gay ones, then well done. For the rest of us it’s an uphill struggle of late night conversations with beautiful women that consider you to be “a great friend” or “so funny” or “really lovely”.
Actually I lied earlier when I said there was nothing you can do. There is something you can do; you could tell them.
Yeah, you heard me.
Don’t deny it; you’ve thought about it. Obviously they’d be shocked at first but pretty soon they’d be getting on one knee and proposing a civil partnership. Then you’ll move in (within a week), get a cat and start wearing matching comfortable shoes. You were right; that little girl crush on Fern Cotton was more than just admiring her music talents and presenting abilities – that girl loves girls!
However, the reality of telling them is probably a little less idealistic.
I’m guessing you’d get one of two responses:
- Aww I’m really flattered by that but I’m straight and I think we are better as friends.
- Ugh get away, I hate you, I can’t believe I shared that bath with you.
Yeah, I said bath. All friends do that, right?
I mean I hate to be negative but there aren’t really a huge amount of good things about straight crushes are there?
Another negative are their neanderthal boyfriends/fiancés/husbands/futile crushes/exes. Oh my. I mean if they manage to grunt more than “soz babe” or “larger please mate” I am instantly impressed. The large majority have no idea just how lucky they are and they stagger through life, being complete idiots. (This is not true of some men however. In fact this is not true of most men. I know heaps of lovely men and only a few idiots yet the few idiots that I do know happen to have lovely girlfriends who they don’t appreciate.)
What I’m trying to say is that I am fed up of lusting after women who will never lust after me and will never know just how much of a good girlfriend I could be. I don’t blame them – if they’re straight, they’re straight but if I have to spend one more day seeing the girl of my dreams being wined and dined in Burger King by some toothy thug then I swear to god I will… I will-
I will carry on like I always have done; consume a large pizza and whine to my friends. And keep hoping that maybe, just maybe one day she’ll see that she did in fact (kudos to Taylor Swift for this line by the way) belong with me.