Dear me. Love, me.

In terms of blogging I missed national coming out day and I wanted to rectify that by doing a coming out related blog. I’ve already kinda done this by telling my coming out story (https://waggcomedy.wordpress.com/2012/08/02/my-coming-out/) but I wanted to do it slightly different in a letter form to myself. So here it is. It’s written to my younger self (probably around 14/15).

Dear me,

Right now you’re obsessed with writing your diary. This is good. It will not only help you to figure out how you feel because you are largely closeted but it will also be a great source of entertainment. I’m not being rude but your observations on people and how you feel is actually laughable. At this moment you’re probably really stressed out and feeling as though being open about who you are will never happen.

It really will.

In about 5 years time you will have a whole group of really supportive friends, family members and colleagues at work. You’ll also be involved in the LGBTQ community and will be meeting people that you never would have thought you would meet. You’ll finally stop using gender neutral nouns and you will happily discuss women and their effects on you with almost anyone. You will feel completely comfortable.

You are slowly gaining weight and really you ought to think about getting rid of some of it because you will end up having to lose a large chunk of it (3 stone) when you are 17 and that won’t be an easy process, nor a permanent one.

That girl you’ve liked since you were 11? You’ll get over her when you’re about 16 when it suddenly dawns on you that she’s straight and all you will ever be is friends. But one evening when you’re 18 and you’re sitting in the pub with her discussing her new job you’ll realise that it’s good that she’s just your friend.

Women will like you. And you will like some of them back. And that will mean that eventually you will be more than friends. Take a deep breath. Don’t be afraid to talk about how daunting that will be and more importantly remember how important she is to you even when you are no longer together. You owe a lot to her and you need to show her that.

Other people might turn to you for advice and sometimes you won’t have all the answers. You will volunteer for a helpline where you will feel your confidence grow in considerable amounts and you will have to think outside of your “L” category and get more involved in the “GBTQ”. You will find it hugely rewarding and you will decide that you want to continue doing similar volunteering.

You will go to pride and walk around and be amazed. You will no longer feel like the only gay person in the world and you won’t feel so alone. You will realise that LGBTQ people come in all shapes, sizes, colours, ages and even more wonderful things.

You will be happy.

And when you’re sitting with her in a bus stop and she asks you if you’re gay and you say no, don’t worry that you won’t ever tell her or anyone else. There are plenty more opportunities. So many that eventually you might even tire of saying it. Except you won’t because you’ll love who you were, are and will be.

Love, me. xxxxx

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I find elderly people threatening.

I’m scared of push along shopping trolleys, walking sticks, silk scarves and Fox’s mints. In short I’m scared of elderly people.

Don’t like or don’t agree with those stereotypes? Fine. But I am fed up of being told that I wear a hood, carry a knife, take drugs, am rude, dropped out of school and am illiterate because I’m not and nor are most young people.

I’m not in fear of the elderly but I felt the need to mix things up a bit. It’s strange how absurd those stereotypes and fears sound when you change who they’re about.

I, like the majority of young people, have a job, got an education and do not kicks from beating up elderly people. But yes I do admit I wear a hood but in England where it rains a lot and is generally foul weather it’s to stop my hair from getting wet and not to mask my identity to CCTV cameras when I am battering someone in the street.

Now I know most people think teenagers are ok but for those who don’t I’ve got some news from you. I volunteer, I give money to charity and save hedgehogs from the side of the road. I do most of the things that “good people” do. Only issue is that I’m aged between 13 and 19 and that makes me a horrible, thieving, lying person. Guess what? I’m not. My idol was, and always will be, my grandad. He taught me the little things about saying please and thank you and the big things like how to ride a bike. And I miss him every single day.

I’m not a bad person and nor are 99% of the teenagers who just want to get on with their lives without having their reputation shredded all over the media.

I think teenagers deserve a break. Maybe if we can show how much good we can do people will stop focusing on the bad and just get on with life. Maybe, but probably not.

Scrapbooking. Or not.

So back in early September I ordered a scrapbook online. I was so excited and bought a huge rainbow of pens and lots of additional decorative stuff.

But the scrapbook didn’t arrive.

I contacted the seller and informed him of the issue and he said he’d get another one to me in replacement. But it has never arrived.

I’m now not only angry but also down money. But here’s the issue, will he believe me if I contact him again and say I still haven’t got it?

Do I buy a scrapbook from a shop and just get on with it? Do I try and order it from another person or do I get in contact with him again and risk being judged for lying.

It seems like a small issue, I know, but I was so excited to get started and now I can feel my enthusiasm dying down a little.

Traffic light tree time.

So this is a post about this lovely season: autumn.

My apologies of you thought this post was about me doing my lipstick in the car and then driving into a traffic light followed by a tree. The truth of the matter is that I never let lipstick near my lips and I like to think I drive quite responsibly.

I sort of like autumn. In terms of colours it is, in my opinion, the most vibrant. But in terms of anything else it is merely filling the gap before winter.

I desperately want to get out there and start taking some autumn photos but the combination of crappy weather and sleep deprivation means that I’m spending even more time than usual in the house. I’m also not sure where I’d be able to take good autumn photos. I went out recently and took a couple (which I might upload at some point) but I felt deflated.

I like autumn but this year it’s left a sour taste in my mouth. Every day is colder and darker and there feels like there isn’t enough hours in the day. Hopefully Thursday will be sunnier and I can get out and start snapping. In the meantime here is my favourite autumn reference by the amazing poet Andrea Gibson.

“Autumn is the hardest season
the leaves are all falling
and they’re falling like they’re falling in love with the ground
and the trees are naked and lonely”

It’s Monday.

It really is.

And with Monday comes a whole lot of regret, nausea and hiccups.

The above three all relate to the mass amount of junk food that I ate last night. I’m not particularly happy I did it but then I’m not particularly happy.

Last night I had a dream. Another dream. I feel like I am forever having dreams.

I was back at school, life was good. Well elements of my life were good. My friends were there and bar one we were all getting on fine (the friend that wasn’t happy was worrying about some work and was getting frustrated with my lack of patience).

Then the bombshell hit. In my dream I had to make a very conscious decision. There’s no grey area about it I deliberately made myself dream it and I deliberately, consciously, chose the outcome. And for a time in my dream it made sense.

But when I woke up it didn’t.

There’s a huge gap between dream and reality but is there also a crossover? Obviously my thoughts, feelings and experiences influence my dreams but to what degree? And why do I chose that dream on that night in that week during that month?

Regardless of the choice I made in that dream I wake to find that I didn’t really make that choice at all and that it is still very much up to me to decide, in my life awake, what I want to do.

I’m going to chose change. I’m going to lose the weight, ask that girl for a drink and dress like a complete randomer all because I can. All because I want to.

I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, this time I’m actually going to change.

So the next time in my dream I am forced to make a decision I think it’ll be the right one. It’ll be the one that supports all the changes I plan to make and it’ll be beneficial to me. Maybe it’s even time to be a bit selfish. Put myself first and let others figure things out for themselves. Ignorantly, I’ve done my part and now let’s see what you can do. Come back and tell me how you got on and I’ll return the gesture.