Today I’m craving caffeine.

It’s been 5 months since I’ve had any proper form of caffeine (ie drink). I know I don’t need it but I feel like I’m missing it a bit. I don’t miss the nausea and the headaches and the paranoia but I miss the buzz it used to give me. I think I used to forget how tiring life could be without the comforting mist of caffeine hovering over my head. It did have its positives. I felt happier and more alert with the help of caffeine and strangely more me.

I feel I’ve lost touch with the person I was a few years ago: the person that used to go to bed at 10 and visit her dad’s grave a lot and try hard at school. Now I’m out till the early hours, pushing my dad to the back of my memory and not really trying hard to do anything. Except have caffeine.

Constant reminders of caffeine come in different forms: a drink down the pub, an offer of a coffee at work, a new Coke bottle design. There are also vague memories of caffeinated days: immense headaches, saying stupid things and crying on a pavement.

I know I’m better off without it and not having caffeine and my life becoming a little less interesting and enjoyable are just coincidental. I’m enjoying life less and getting less out of it because I’m doing the same thing practically every day. And that takes its toll. I know I’m not happier with caffeine but am I happier without it? Is it as black and white as caffeine is bad and life without caffeine is good?

This sounds so trivial written down but when it comes down to it, it was an addiction. It is an addiction. One day it might become an addiction again.

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