My coming out.

Let’s start this post off with a simple and obvious statement: I’m gay.

I haven’t always been as comfortable saying that as I am now even though I’ve known for a long time.

I first realised I liked girls and not boys when I was about 7. I seemed to idolise (almost obsess) over girls but I couldn’t figure out why. I thought I was the only person that felt like that and, for a while, I thought I was alone.

Later, someone finally told me what “gay” meant (they’d been batting this word around but no-one would tell me what it meant…) and it felt like such a relief. If there was a word to describe how I felt then surely I wasn’t alone?

Eventually I realised I wasn’t alone. Well not in terms of how I felt but definitely in terms of expressing it.

After an awful day at school I came out to my neighbour. It wasn’t your standard “I’m gay” coming out in fact it was more of a “I REALLY LIKE HER BUT SHE DOESN’T KNOW!” type coming out. But it held the same meaning. She was very accepting which I appreciate so much looking back especially seeing as we were quite young (I was 13 and she was 12). For a while I was happy with just her knowing but I knew that sooner or later I would have to tell my mum.

I didn’t choose the best time. It was late at night and she was engrossed in some crime programme when I stumbled down the stairs, teary and emotionally worn out. I told her and instantly burst into tears. She couldn’t seem to understand why I crying and simply told me that it was fine and that I should get some sleep. That was the beginning of a great support network for me and up until this day she has been nothing but wonderful.

I know that isn’t the case with everyone’s parents so I am ridiculously lucky to have a mum who understands so much. I’ll never underestimate how much of an influence she’s had on making me the happy, confident person that I am today.

Next I told a friend of mine on the way home from school when I was around 15. I cried for ages and she just kept telling me that it was ok. I should have known that she already had an idea that I might have been gay but the relief was immediate and overwhelming. I don’t think I’ve ever properly thanked her for listening to all my girl problem related rants and putting up with my constant whining so she deserves a lot of praise. She has been right by my side throughout some rough sexuality stuff but I know I can count on her.

Almost two years after that I had a splurge of telling people. These coming outs took place at school on sports day, outside my house, outside the toilets at school and on the way to sociology. All of these were so special in their own separate ways as with each one I felt a weight had lifted off my shoulders and I had opened up to another person. I had yet more people walking right beside me as I tried to figure things out. And I love that. I have no idea why I didn’t tell them earlier. These people are the people who, along with all their predecessors, I turn to when I have a problem and ring up when I need to have a good laugh.

But one of the most memorable has to be the coming out that took place on Easter. I had been debating whether or not to tell this girl for some time. I’d been testing the water with the odd joke or two and she reacted fine. But I hadn’t prepared myself for the nausea that I would face when I told her or the reaction that she would give. She was brilliant and has been to this day. We walked around and talked about it and then we sat on a bench near the park and she turned to me and said “You were joking right?” My stomach sank and I felt sicker than ever. Then she laughed and apologised; this is a trend that would follow for years. I would go into more depth about this coming out and what happened after it but needless to say her support and friendship meant a lot to me and still does.

Another memorable coming out was to a girl that I have known since I was 7. I had wanted to tell her for a long time because I felt like I had been living a lie and lying to her but I just couldn’t find the words. A week before I told her I had invited her out to see a film and just as I was about to tell her I bottled it. But, spurred on by my other friends, I took her to one side at lunch and told her. I was petrified not because I thought she would react badly but because I felt like I had let her down by not telling her and I was worried that she’d be offended that I hadn’t told her before. But, once again, the reaction was brilliant. She, likeΒ most other people, said she already knew and has been lovely. I can speak to her about absolutely anything and IΒ feel so thankful to have a friend like her.

Finally I had to come out at work.

I told one of my friends on the first day that I met her at work. Then, pretty quickly, I came out to everyone else. It was a great feeling as I didn’t have to hide behind gender neutral nouns and a made up boyfriend.

And that’s it I guess. I’ve know I’ve been extremely lucky and I know I have a great support network around me and I never forget that they’ve made me the person I am today.

Phew, that was long!

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95 thoughts on “My coming out.

  1. Natasiarose says:

    It’s great your mom was so supportive! I wish I had known I was gay at such a young age.

  2. t.dot says:

    kudos to you girl! your courage and self love will take you a long long way to wherever you want to go! thank you for sharing. loved the read! πŸ™‚

  3. michelle0509 says:

    You’re so lucky. I’m so happy you have a network of people who support you.

  4. I think it’s really important that we all share our stories. It helps us with our histories and understanding each other. Thanks for sharing!

  5. Starr says:

    Hahaha. I find myself laughing while reading your entry. I may be finding myself in you. Well, I am a girl who likes girls (and boys, but rarely) and I am very feminine. Only my friends know who I am but not anyone from my family- and I may be too petrified when my family would know that I prefer girls. LOL. Still, I am not so out so I applaud to your confidence and efforts to come out to your mum. It’s hard. I do have a feeling that I do not accept myself fully when I am not comfortable to tell everyone (including my family) who I really am.

    I am not putting it too hard on myself either. I don’t know. Time will come that I will have the guts to tell everyone about me.

    • waggcomedy says:

      I think you can accept yourself without telling your family. You are who you are and yes you’re influenced by others but essentially how they feel wont change you. It may make you happier or sadder but the fact that you’ve thought about it and are happy enough to talk about it says to me that you’re quite accepting of yourself. It takes time but I wish you all the best of luck! πŸ™‚ Thanks for stopping by my blog. πŸ™‚

    • pinksheep3108 says:

      Hello Starr! As I read your comment I could really identify with what you said. I didn’t tell my family for a long time (and can only admire you Waggcomedy – you are so brave, and fortunate to have such a supportive Mum) and I know a big part of that was due to not feeling comfortable with who I was. It really did take a long time with me constantly shifting between “I am gay” to “I’m probably not gay, people just go through phases” in my late teens (despite being so sure in my early teens!) for me to fully come to terms with my sexuality. Even when I did admit it to myself I didn’t feel so sure of myself, or my family’s support. When I did tell my parents, their reactions really weren’t the best at all BUT they did acknowledge that that was about them and not me. From then they have tried to understand, and really have become so supportive. They have come to love my partner and value her as one of the family – they have just needed time! Good luck with telling people, but you’re right not to put pressure on yourself. It will happen when the time is right and you’ll be glad that you didn’t force yourself to tell people before you were ready!

      • waggcomedy says:

        I’m glad your parents have come round. πŸ™‚ I think most of my bravery stemmed from having a few good first reactions as that spurred me on to come out to more people. I’m so happy you shared your story. πŸ™‚

  6. mamacormier says:

    Thank you for sharing your coming out story and for liking my post. I wish my daughter had been able to come out sooner. She was 26 before she could tell us (her father and I) even though we had suspected it for quite a few years. I’m happy to report that she is in a very loving relationship with a woman we adore. “Coming out” about our daughter to our family and friends was initially awkward but is now second nature and most if not all were and are very supportive and accepting. I was most surprised at how open, frank and accepting my 80 year old aunts were. My own father was a bit more challenging but he’s come around.

    • waggcomedy says:

      Thank you also for sharing your daughter’s coming out. πŸ™‚ It sounds like she’s got a lot of supportive family which is key. I haven’t come out to many family members yet but there’s still time. Thanks for stopping by, I really appreciate it. πŸ™‚

  7. […] I am gay. I’ve written a couple of posts about it (https://waggcomedy.wordpress.com/2012/08/02/my-coming-out/) and intend to write more in the […]

  8. apeene says:

    I am so happy for you that you have had a good and supportive experience! I ended up clicking on your blog here b/c you “liked” my blog post on Evol= I am going to share your blog here with another young woman who is really going through a lot of crap right now b/c of coming out as a lesbian. It’s the girl I wrote about in my blog on Evol. Very sad. Best Wishes for you in a happy life ahead!

  9. Md. Alsanda says:

    Thanks for stopping by.

  10. It surprises me how quick people are to judge others on their sexual identity, as being the defining aspect of who they are. I appreciate my own kids for being kind, honest, fun and one hundred and one other lovely qualities as well. It is important to me that they have tender, respectful, encouraging relationships, whichever way that falls. You are gay, you are straight, you are tall, you are petite, or you have huge feet like me. We are all part of a gorgeously varied human race.

    • waggcomedy says:

      Exactly! It really isn’t the be all and end all of most people which is why I try to get to know people first before I tell them I’m gay (the short hair and general butchness often outs me though!). That is so true – there are so many more things to people and even in the LGBTQ society people are so different!

  11. Kirsten says:

    I didn’t realise fully that I was gay until I was about 18 or so (I went to an all-girls school and until then had just assumed any attraction I felt to schoolmates was due to crazy teenage hormones and no boys around… except that I never wanted to go out of my way to actually meet boys and any men I ever found attractive were very feminine looking… LOL). My parents and sister were very supportive – oddly, it was harder for my sister to accept me, but she tried really really hard until she did. My parents never had a problem, at all.

    Thank you for liking my post, by the way. πŸ™‚ I’m glad it has led me to your blog.

    • waggcomedy says:

      Thanks for sharing your story. πŸ™‚ I’m glad your family has been so supportive – I know how much it can help. You’re welcome, I’m pleased you enjoy my writing. πŸ™‚

  12. […] doing a coming out related blog. I’ve already kinda done this by telling my coming out story (https://waggcomedy.wordpress.com/2012/08/02/my-coming-out/) but I wanted to do it slightly different in a letter form to myself. So here it is. It’s […]

  13. Loz says:

    Thanks so much for sharing your coming out story. Like others have said, you’re extremely courageous coming out so young! well done. I came out when I was 24 and had left my marriage with a young baby. Extremely complicated but it’s all worked out really well. I too am blessed with supportive parents, and can totally relate to the anxiety and nausea that comes with telling them! I burst into tears also, after nearly choking on the word ‘lesbian’, and only getting ‘gay’ out. It’s a real gift when people accept you and love you unconditionally. I lost some “friends” who decided that they didn’t like me gay, but despite being painful for me at the time, they obviously weren’t worth having in my life anyway. Thanks for coming to my blog. I’ll be following yours now and checking it out. I really like your writing style. Cheers!

    • waggcomedy says:

      I don’t even think I realised the extent of what I was saying when I said it, hence why I said it so young! πŸ™‚ I’m really glad it’s all worked out for you – 24 is still really young I think in comparison to some people. Yeah, those people don’t deserve to be in your life if they don’t like who you are. Thank you for stopping by, and cheers for your comment. πŸ˜€

  14. Good for you! The best thing one can do for oneself is to be true -to you.

  15. Wentzu says:

    Yes…true to youself…xoxoxoxooo

  16. 2ndhalfolife says:

    Thanks for stopping by!

  17. Heather says:

    it is wonderful that you have had support over the years, especially in a world that isn’t always as understanding as it should be. thanks for stopping by…

  18. Wonderfully honest post. Thanks for sharing. Gives me the courage to put my coming out story out there for the world to see. I look forward to more

  19. Wonderful post. I’m straight, but I’ve always believed that our sexuality is something we’re born with, not something we chose. We are attracted to who we are attracted to. Period. Love is hard to find, gay or straight and we should all be free to find it wherever and with whoever we can. That anyone should have to feel badly or be afraid of being honest about who they are is a terrible thing. Your mom sounds like a pretty terrific lady, and it sounds like you have some fabulous people in your social circle as well, still, I applaud your courage. Clearly it was very hard for you to tell them how you feel, but the alternative, to spend your life hiding, is unthinkable. I can’t even imagine how anyone could do that. It would have to be a living hell.

    Best of luck, and thanks for stopping by and checking out my post Out the Back Door.

    • waggcomedy says:

      My mum is pretty terrific really. πŸ™‚ Exactly – I just don’t think I could have faced a life of lying and unhappiness and so I knew I had to get it out there in the open. Thank you for your kind words and for stopping by. πŸ™‚

      • You’re very welcome. I feel pretty strongly about the issue. The world would be a better place all around it we were all more tolerant of other people and their differences. I say that is what makes the world such an interesting place. How boring it would be if we were all the same, with ideas, philosophies and beliefs that all matched. It’s seeing the world from different places and perspectives that makes the world come alive. So again, bravo.

      • waggcomedy says:

        I agree with you whole heartedly and thank you again for your support! πŸ˜€

      • You’re very welcome!

  20. collegefemmenist says:

    I absolutely love this post- it is so honest and coming from such a positive place. I wish I had figured out what was going on with myself at such a young age!

  21. trishsttrish says:

    You’re very lucky to have you mom. It’s sort of what I’ve been going through, I’m out to most of my friends but not my family.

  22. Congratulations for recognizing that true happiness with yourself can only come by speaking your truth regardless of possible consequences.
    It took me a moment to figure out that you were born both neurologically wired as female and had genitalia consistent with how you regard yourself as a female (called cis-gender female) and were also born wired to be attracted to other females (sometimes referred as gynephilia but usually referred as lesbian) probably because you said you were gay before you identified your chosen gender (versus gender as assigned at birth) by your statement of liking girls rather than boys. To use the more inclusive terminology to include all of the gender spectrum I would call you a gynephilic cisgender female as I am a gynephilic transgender female which actually is more accurate than to say you and I are gay or lesbian, which still seems to carry a stigma for some folks. Hopefully new language being proposed for the DSM V (Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders version 5) may remove the stigma for the transgender community as it has already done for the gay/lesbian community as well as bring about the possibility that sex reassignment surgery is a medically necessary treatment for gender dysphoria as a medical condition rather than a mental disorder. What a brave new world we are living in!
    I am going to relate my own experience with my coming out but it is by no means a comment as to how others choose for their own resolve for their happiness and sanity’s sake.
    When I decided to come out as a transgender woman, I came out to everyone who had known me as a man, including family (by email because of the distances involved), because I simply could no longer be seen as a man because I wasn’t one.This was before I started dressing in feminine clothing in public, legally changing my name to a feminine one or even looking into what would be necessary to begin hormone therapy towards the aim of having gender affirmation surgery at some future date. People congratulated me on my courage but for myself, it was not a question of courage but a question of that I had no other choice if I was ever going to be happy and comfortable with myself after living 62 years in the wrong gender role by virtue of what was between my legs at birth. Many actually remarked that I was much happier and more natural at being a girl than I ever seemed to be as a man.

    Deanna Joy

    • waggcomedy says:

      I, too, am looking forward to when gender reassignment surgery is seen as a necessity. I think it’s a shame that people still view it as a mental illness.
      I know how you feel. For me, I knew I had to tell people so that I could be happy but I still think you’re very brave!
      I hope this new found happiness of yours continues! πŸ™‚

  23. Thanks for dropping by my blog. I was touched by your post and the journey you have made so far. You describe yourself as lucky and I guess you are but it seems you made a lot of that luck for yourself too.

  24. It’s so good to hear about supportive coming-out experiences. Hope the day comes soon when everyone has the same experience that you’ve had; there are too many barriers between people already. Thanks for liking my blog – yours is cool too!

  25. lesacbanane says:

    I love your story. Im straight but have a lot of gay friends, one of which came out when he was 15, with it being the early 80’s I believe attitudes were very narrow minded and his parents recommended electric shock treatment. They didnt speak for about 20 years… but its very different now and my friend is very very head strong because of his experiences. You must feel very lucky to have so much support around you and its an example of how the world is evolving in a positive way.

    • waggcomedy says:

      That is such a sad story but I’m glad he’s bounced back. It’s good to hear that he made it through that diffucult time. I am so lucky and I agree – things are getting better! Thank you so much for you comment. πŸ™‚

  26. So lovely to hear an actually good story about coming out! Really glad for you x

  27. davepiperno says:

    You are lucky and I feel lucky to have read this post.

  28. your story is wonderful and it appears you are surrounded by loving family and friends! The moral of the story is to always be truthful and convicted in your beliefs. If someone doesn’t like it that is their problem,
    If you love and respect yourself everyone will follow suit! I am not gay but highly respect your courage and am so sorry life and people make situations difficult for people that do not fit “their” mold!
    Stay strong!

    • waggcomedy says:

      Thank you so much for your comment. I am overwhelmed by the amount of support I have received on this post. I am very lucky to have everyone and I appreciate them so much! πŸ™‚ Thank you again for your lovely comment. πŸ™‚

  29. leggypeggy says:

    Thank you for sharing your coming out story. I remember when our daughter told us she was gay. We already knew, and were glad to be able to openly support her.

  30. My son is gay, and the only regret that I have is that he didn’t feel comfortable enough telling me sooner so that I could offer him support. He is, first and foremost, my son…not my gay son, not my brown-haired son, not my bacon-loving son, not my procrastinating son…..but my son. Just as I hope my children love me for who I am, I love my son for who he is. I hope you always have the support you need to love yourself so that you may love others.

    • waggcomedy says:

      Thank you for this beautiful comment! I love hearing from parents about their experiences. πŸ™‚ Your son is lucky to have such a supportive mum! Thank you again!

  31. ohiocook says:

    Thank you for stopping by my blog and the “Like” of my post.

  32. Alice L says:

    Thank you for sharing! It’s always great to hear such supportive stories. πŸ™‚

  33. GayTaylor says:

    Zowie! Such sacred stories, this stepping into who we are. Such scary places, sharing with others and waiting to see how they’ll respond. Such an empowering and celebratory journey for you. Thank you for telling it out loud. All good to you, all good.

  34. wineonmymind says:

    Congrats on being true to yourself! Thanks for liking my recent blog post! Cheers!

  35. araneus1 says:

    Firstly, thank you for visiting and liking. Secondly, I enjoyed your post. Read it all the way through, as did many others I see. I’m an ungay bloke who has lived a long time and as John Lennon said “Whatever gets you through the night, it’s alright’.
    Be happy, be well and don’t forget to be awesome.
    Terry

  36. Karelia Stetz-Waters says:

    You are cool and brave. That is an awesome story.

  37. ohiocook says:

    Thank you for stopping by my blog.

  38. Hi there,

    Thanks for stopping by and liking my photo. Much appreciated! Have a good week.

  39. Thank you for sharing. It’s so refreshing to hear of reactions like your mum’s. Whilst it may not be the response of most or many parents it offers hope. Your coming out is a reminder that the strength (and struggle to be our true self) starts from within.

  40. elessar78 says:

    I’m so glad that you have had such good support. I’m hoping that some day it just won’t matter–gay, straight, we are all people and we fall in love.

  41. […] I’m gay (“Really Wagg I never would have guessed?!” Shush with your sarcasm please!) and you can read all about my not very interesting coming out here: https://waggcomedy.wordpress.com/2012/08/02/my-coming-out/ […]

  42. tagaisla says:

    I enjoyed reading this and hooray for your mom and friends, and a bigger hooray for you for sharing this. As Spock would say, live long and prosper!

  43. themofman says:

    Congratulations on learning to accept yourself, and congratulations on finding that you have a lot of people who genuinely love you, no matter what, in the process.

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