This past week I’ve not been myself. I think it’s the weather. Some people strive in the sun but I just feel frustrated and powerless. I think it’s because I can’t do things I normally do without accounting for the beaming sun. If I want to go for a drive in winter all I have to do is flick on my lights but with the sun pouring through my window I have to think about what I’m wearing, how long I’ll be in the car and what I can use to cool me down.
I’ve also lost the enthusiasm to work. I mean I didn’t have lots to begin with but with everyone being back from uni and sunning themselves I feel jealous that I have to work, especially in this heat.
A couple of days ago I was speaking to a woman in a shop about the weather. She said she thought it was too hot and I told her that I worked in a kitchen/behind a hot plate and that it was stupidly hot. She remarked that because I worked in a kitchen I should be used to the heat. What? Why? It’s not like I spend my time with my head in the oven preparing myself for the two days of sun we have a year.
See what I mean about me getting frustrated?
This week has gone extremely quickly but I feel like I’ve achieved very little. The days have merged and, despite seeing a lot of people and enjoying seeing those who are back from uni, I’ve felt quite alone. But not in an alienated kind of way or a “no-one understands me” sort of way just in a “there seems to be a constant stream of thoughts in my head and I kinda want to express them but can’t for some reason and so I just keep thinking about stuff” kind of way. I’ve not felt like this for a long time and it’s a shock to again and so I’ve started writing in my diary again in the hope that it’ll rationalise some of what I’m thinking.