The kitten is asleep. Hurrah. My mum and one of my older cats is also asleep. I am wide awake. That’s not a problem but it’s not exactly a good thing.
In recent days I’ve been feeling a bit trapped. When my mum is at work I am expected to stay at home and kitten watch. I don’t mind because I know he’s little and needs a lot of attention but sometimes I am literally watching him; often as he sleeps.
I feel as though I haven’t really been out. I can’t pop to the shop or go for a walk or even have a nap without thinking about where he is and if he’s safe.
In other news, I had yet another unwanted dream. But this was worse. In last night’s dream I was talking to someone I haven’t seen or spoken to for years. We don’t get on and the conversation was awkward and really forced. I have no idea what this dream means. Maybe it’s suggesting that I focus more on meaningful conversations with people I like or maybe it’s just a reminder that awkward moments in life exist.
Throughout my life being awkward seems to be something I’m good at. I can do it with my eyes closed, standing on one leg (and often it does occur when I am in such weird positions). But recently my awkwardness seems to have faded a bit. Maybe I am becoming more socially aware and comfortable with people that I see day to day. But I feel like something has definitely changed.
I think I’ve changed.
I can’t work out whether that’s good or bad. Was I cuter when I was more awkward? Was I more interesting when I was reading more and educating myself? Was I more confident around friends that I had known for years? A friend of mine says it is good change. She says it’s good to adapt and it shows we’re maturing. I agree with her though I can’t help but think I might have been happier before I changed.
I have become even more sceptical of the world and have started to see it for what it is. I have faced some harsh truths and have seen people in a way that I never wished to see them.
But I guess that’s good. Because I guess I’m learning.
And learning is good. Right?