Today.

The kitten is asleep. Hurrah. My mum and one of my older cats is also asleep. I am wide awake. That’s not a problem but it’s not exactly a good thing.

In recent days I’ve been feeling a bit trapped. When my mum is at work I am expected to stay at home and kitten watch. I don’t mind because I know he’s little and needs a lot of attention but sometimes I am literally watching him; often as he sleeps.

I feel as though I haven’t really been out. I can’t pop to the shop or go for a walk or even have a nap without thinking about where he is and if he’s safe.

In other news, I had yet another unwanted dream. But this was worse. In last night’s dream I was talking to someone I haven’t seen or spoken to for years. We don’t get on and the conversation was awkward and really forced. I have no idea what this dream means. Maybe it’s suggesting that I focus more on meaningful conversations with people I like or maybe it’s just a reminder that awkward moments in life exist.

Throughout my life being awkward seems to be something I’m good at. I can do it with my eyes closed, standing on one leg (and often it does occur when I am in such weird positions). But recently my awkwardness seems to have faded a bit. Maybe I am becoming more socially aware and comfortable with people that I see day to day. But I feel like something has definitely changed.

I think I’ve changed.

I can’t work out whether that’s good or bad. Was I cuter when I was more awkward? Was I more interesting when I was reading more and educating myself? Was I more confident around friends that I had known for years? A friend of mine says it is good change. She says it’s good to adapt and it shows we’re maturing. I agree with her though I can’t help but think I might have been happier before I changed.

I have become even more sceptical of the world and have started to see it for what it is. I have faced some harsh truths and have seen people in a way that I never wished to see them.

But I guess that’s good. Because I guess I’m learning.

And learning is good. Right?

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2 thoughts on “Today.

  1. 3DCitizen says:

    Always be a conduit for change. Nothing is new forever, and whether your heart stays open depends on how you accept change. Change isn’t really an open/closed hand. It’s more like a pressure valve. When it arrives, it’s your decision how much steam to let off or how much of it to let through. Never blow a gasket though, as those are hard to recover from.
    . . .
    And I like kittens/cats. So your deed is noble!

    • I really liked that description of change so thanks. I find change really hard to handle and so it always comes as a shock to me when I realise that some change has occured that I wasn’t even aware of.
      Haha! I used to like them but after all the 6am starts and 3am snuggles (which turn into play fighting sessions) I’m not so sure! 🙂

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