For a while now I’ve been meaning to transfer all my documents from my old laptop to my new one. Today I finally got my arse in gear and did it and I was a little surprised by what I found.
Up until about a year ago, I was drinking a lot of caffeine which led to some dramatic mood swings and patches of depression and then extreme happiness. This coincided with hormones and life in general and the result was about 200 love, anger, hate and adoration fueled poems.
I read a couple back today and, whilst most are complete rubbish, a couple hit me pretty hard. I have no idea how, when I was so confused and caffeineated, I managed to accurately describe my life and emotions. It seems as though the caffeine tapped into a really eloquent part of me: a part which, I think, has been lost.
And I miss that.
Yes, there were times in those years that I really struggled but at least I could verbalise and rationalise what I was feeling. Now I feel comfortable with publicly expressing how I feel but I often can’t find the right words.
A lot of the poems rhyme (something that I find difficult to do now) and use words that contain more than three syllables and they just sound pretty decent.
While I’m not entirely sure how I feel about these poems at the moment, I’m going to keep reading through them. It feels like a younger version of myself was desperately writing the future (current) me a long list of reminders about good and bad things and reminding her that things could only get better. And they did. Some of them are hard to read because it’s aparent that I was quite upset but others leave me feeling hopeful.
To quote a younger and thinner version of myself:
“Hate me for saying this,
But some things in life are shit,
And I love it,
I love getting through them and knowing I’m better a person.”